IS IT REALLY THE END OF MONTH 3 ALREADY?

MATTY & ADDY ON VACATION IN NAPLES FL

This picture looks Heavenly to me—that beam of sunlight shooting out from the left side of the photo. You seem to be giving Addy a glimpse of things to come. You are not looking back, you are looking forward to infinity, eternity . . . whatever, we’re not with you and that hurts so incredibly much. Thank you so very much for listening, talk—I’d listen if you only could.  I am feeling that life at the end of month 3 is more difficult to bear than months 1 and 2. Nothing compares to the initial shock of hearing the words that your child has died in a tragic accident. It creates a physical pain that permeates your entire being. My heart was uplifted though when I saw the number of lives that you had touched, the hundreds that waited in freezing cold weather to get into the funeral home to pay their respects. I was so grateful that I had been chosen to be your Mother. I could see your mission in life—your purpose on one hand had been completed at such a young age; and yet the young family that you leave—how does that all fit? The fact that you touched so many hearts and yet so many more are left broken with your passing? You would be celebrating your first wedding anniversary tomorrow. You were not a traditionalist. I remember you telling me that you wanted your children to be old enough to participate in the wedding, to have the memories that you and Jason had with Dad & I. So happy you decided NOT to wait! I am so sad that Nikki will never get to finish planning her big After the Wedding Party. She is planning a party for you tomorrow night; celebrating your anniversary with the same people you enjoyed dinner with at the Copper Door after the wedding. I know you’ve been invited and I’m sure you’ll have a blast. What I’ve reflected on is the fact that we have two choices in dealing with the Firsts that we'll be facing this year. Your Anniversary Party is a great example. Nikki could stay home and be sad and cry and scream but where would that leave her? Instead she’s moving forward. She’s celebrating your wedding. Finding a way to connect with you after your transformation. She’ll be uplifted by your combined friends. She’s asking people to create a Memory Jar . . . Addy & Bear will be thrilled when they get older and can read all about your antics.

Month 2—I've lived with the fact that time was passing and every day inched closer to the reality that I would never be able to hug you, hear your laugh, receive phone calls "Hey Mom, my risotto came out great". You loved to cook and that was where your creative juices flowed when you weren't managing the family business. You kept our family close. You organized Sunday dinners. We were so important to you and I was so very happy to see the man, the father, the husband you were growing into. I was thrilled that my sense of family was central to your being and that you were passing that love on to your children. Funny, all the teenage angst, the college know-it-all attitude and you came back to the roost. The foundation had been laid even though we experienced ups and downs in your childhood. But hey, who doesn’t? Life, the Earthly classroom. Am very tired of it as we close out this month. But I feel my job isn’t finished so I do have to get up every morning, smell the scent remaining in that burgundy Henley that you once wore—not clean and it never will be. I’ll smell that shirt until there is nothing left of it to smell. I feel like this is our new hug! Addy says “Morning and Good Night” to you, a family picture I have out in the living room.  She will never forget you. She has conversations with you on our old mobile phones. My secret wish is that I hear your voice talking to her on one of those phones and I listen to her responses. Make that happen will you. Gather whatever spirits you need and create that energy please!

I imagine that all parents go through their own way of grieving when losing a child. Grief must vary according to the age of passing.  I fortunately was able to enjoy many of your milestones, yet I am crushed every time I see and hear that little 2 year old asking for her Daddy and acknowledging once again, that you live in her heart. Addy and Bear will have to experience their own milestones without you. Nikki will be strong as she faces her own milestones. I feel like I have survivor guilt . . . I have a husband and my daughter in law does not. My husband can be a grandfather but can't fill that hole that missing a father leaves. How can that be?? Fair?? I know life is not but I do feel that the rage is starting to boil. My heart grieves for so many. For myself, for Dad, for Nikki, Addy, Bear & especially Jason—Beth, Jaelyn, the list could go on and on. How do we find our way, how do we walk this life without you physically. Yes, I know about the energy transformation, blah, blah. blah but that thought is not comforting me now. I miss the physical you. I listen to your voice on videos that we’ve taped. Anything to keep you alive. But time is moving on and I feel you slipping. It’s the reality that is sinking in. NEVER is such a long time. Not ever sounds better.

I've been so busy with the grandchildren that I haven't had time to myself. When I do find a solitary moment, all I can do is cry. I obsessively read books on grief, the afterlife . . . anything that will show me how to reconnect with your energy. I'm not dreaming of you. I am just so sad, so very sad. I am shocked at how off balance I feel. How foolish to think that I would be able to handle this grief without going through all the stages. I thought it would get a little better every day—was not prepared to have it get worse!

Thinking of going to a Compassionate Friends meeting. Being the eldest in the family, I always felt like I broke ground for all my siblings when it came to life’s experiences. So much easier to go through life when you know what to expect. Just this once, I really don't want to be the one to break ground. I want to learn from others what it is like that first year after losing a child, month to month what can I expect—even tho I know it is different for everyone. I do find comfort in hearing others' stories. 

Thank you for listening. It does help to get the grief out. I need time to grieve. Will have to make some changes in my life so that I remain healthier than I’ve been, continue to be readily accessible to Nikki and the kids . . . stop spinning, obsessing, what iffing . . . start accepting, processing, finding a way to reenter this life without my youngest and recognizing that the eldest is still very much alive. We still do have a wonderful family. A family with broken hearts that need mending. 

My prayer to you—please watch over us, guide us, uplift our spirits when the tears run too long. Keep a smile in our hearts and laughter in our lives. Touch us, let us feel the breeze of your spirit. Let us know we are still connected. Love us. Pray for us. Keep us close and make it feel like not ever is something we don’t have to experience. Fill our minds and souls with thoughts and feelings of renewal. Help us find a new way, a new normal.

Love you so much—forever.


Mom

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