IN THE GLOAMING OF GRIEF (Part 3 of 4)

Time passes and with patience, hard work and meeting Grief
unequivocally, I am shown more of the beauty being offered.

The warmth of summer . . .                                                                

The summer months hold a fascination with walking conservation trails, searching for peace, seeking wisdom in the age old trees, listening for answers in the babbling of a brook. Beauty speaks to me without a need to learn a new language. The heart is my translator and I learn much about myself. Some questions find answers, others remain open.

A lesson in opening the heart is presented by spirit. I am guided to the work of Dr. Omid Safi, a columnist for On Being and Director of Duke University’s Islamic Studies Center. He acquaints me with a new way of interpreting the question “How are you” when greeting someone. Dr. Safi explains that in many Muslim cultures, that question is asking about your heart. “How is your heart doing at this moment?”. I learned that this is a most compassionate way to greet a friend, especially the bereaved. How is your heart doing? My heart instantly warms to the message. I ask myself “Diane, how is your heart at this very moment?”. I hear myself. I’m surprised as the inner me, my subconscious utters “You care about me? You want to take time to know this place in me, to feel where I am today?” "Yes", is my reply. "You are sharing your humanity, your Love and I will share mine".

What is an open heart? What is the the heart’s purpose as we are shepherded to remember our spirit enveloped in this human EXPERIENCE? Yes, shepherded. We have a team of spirits at the ready, waiting to be asked for help. I want to highlight the word EXPERIENCE. It holds such meaning and is one of the keys that unlocked my understanding of connection with Matty. 

What feelings do I feel from the heart?  What feelings do I feel when receiving from others? How do I feel when I Love, when I give, when I share, when I receive, when I forgive, when I show mercy?  How do I feel when all is reciprocated? I can now sense gratitude, comfort, peace, blessedness. Is this not the language of the heart? Is this not what opening your heart is all about? It is about trusting the feelings, the sensations, the vibrations. It is living life guided by, completely aware of these same feelings, sensations and vibrations rather than with what the human eyes can see yet cannot interpret to the depth that the heart can. When I am living with an open heart, my human eyes simply become a passenger riding shotgun as I travel down Grief’s Super Highway—destination, re-entry into a transcendent life.

I attend National Conferences for bereaved parents. I arrive home with a full heart from the many connections made yet more questions surface.

Am I carrying expectations? Why now do I continue to feel a disconnect from my beautiful son? Am I angry? Am I impatient? What about our soul contact? Am I willing to ignore how far I've walked with grief these past two years? Do I even Love myself? Will this chatter ever stop?

Spirit tries again. My awareness is nudged. Another lesson. Spirit is trying to get my attention and I’m not mindful until absolute annoyance presents itself. Hindsight is my teacher and spirit has a sense of humor. It isn’t until two weeks have passed of daily, and some days multiple occurrences of a single solitary strand of hair landing onto my arm that I realized perhaps I am being prodded by spirit, but not before the maniacal exhibition of wildly jerky moves to remove it begins. The neck straightens the head bobs, the hand transforms into a claw and attacks that one spot on the arm where I am convinced that hair will be located and removed. When it isn’t, the claw pecks like a chicken at grain. When I still come up with nothing, I go to the light. I twist my arm, I turn it and aha! I catch a glimpse of that stealthy irritation. I lift it off, open my index and forefinger and drop the nuisance on to the floor. Finally, I get out of myself enough to ask spirit “is this a sign, are you trying to tell me something?”  As the light of dawn permeates my grief-altered-slow-to-sometimes-pick-up mind, I pause for a mini-reflection. My thought: if a strand of hair, so light and without weight can create a sensation so intense that I immediately need to remove it from one of my limbs, then surely spirit’s subtle energy can be felt, can be recognized that a loved one is around. No answer but a lot of awareness and staying in the present moment to identify other signs that may be nudging me.

A recent morning after, I boot up my laptop and receive a notice from Amazon that I’ve purchased a book by Kim Russo, “The Happy Medium: Life’s lessons from the Other Side; not one book but two as the audible version was ordered as well.  I order books from my Kindle all the time. I have been drawn from one book to another since Matty’s passing and this is how my Afterlife/Everlife library has grown. There is no way I can accidentally order a book let alone two! I have to access the Kindle store, complete multiple steps, click buy, the book is delivered and then I can continue shopping or go to my library. Could this be another sign from Matty; a tool to help build awareness—a gift I end up paying for myself? I devour the book. It is a treasure trove of information on how to practice opening up the “clairs” the psychic senses of clairvoyance, clairaudience, clairsentience, claircognizance, clairalience, and clairgustance. . . the elements that I can now identify, that held no name for me whenI began to experience them in my communications with Matty in spirit.  As validation, these six senses were the topic of a July support meeting with Chris Mulligan. I have EXPERIENCED one incident of clairaudience on Matty’s First Mattiversary, when I head one word “Mom”—his voice, volume, inflection, unmistakable. After the discussion of the clairs at our meeting, I received a notification from one of our potential Facebook page members accepting an invite to join at exactly 11:11; an invite that was 4 months old! I saved the screenshot. The members last name and first initial were the same as Matty’s favorite band—Dave Matthews. More nudging, more tools, more guidance and I continue my mission to discover MY personal connection and catch a glimpse of the other side of grief.

I am in awe at the detail in the choreography that must occur for me to see with my human eyes and interpret with my heart eyes. The signs come less often but the synchronicities are becoming more complex. The miracle workings of spirit are teaching me that I must believe first and foremost and be open to receiving.

I continue to feel the something missing. My mind engages in more learning and the pause needed to observe, acknowledge . . .  to practice this earthwork is waving at me from the horizon. Practice conveys a process of continual growth and learning and this resonates with discovering how to, and attain living, a spiritual life.

Songs sent as signs support the emotional turmoil I am living through. I’ve filled pages and pages in my journal. In one of my entries I express:  “I feel like the "sky is falling". Distracted by the phrase in trying to remember which fairytale that specific line belongs to, I decide to spend some time with my friend Google, A Radiohead song comes up in the search "Where I end & you begin. (The Sky is Falling In)”. The lyrics aren't as meaningful as the song title and Wow, Wow, Wow! that was about as good as Matty speaking English to me! Where I end & you begin was the reverse of a message he had sent through Rachel Pearson after she asked me if I feel Matty when writing my Matty inspired blog posts. I answered “No”, I don’t feel him physically. She tells me he is standing to my right when we write. More comfort, more gratitude yet I have been feeling more of a gap than a thin veil that separates the physical realm from the other side since the beginning of my internal chaos.

Messages of comfort were relayed via
Evidential Mediums in my early grief. Comfort gently
holds Healing's hand and together we walk towards
the beauty that life continues to hold through the ache.

The song’s lyrics speak to me:

There's a gap in between

There's a gap where we meet

Where I end and you begin

My daughter in law and I set a date for dinner out, alone; a night away from the Littles that we Love, but we need some Mom/Daughter catch up time. Grief seems to have settled in an unexpected way for both of us. I am feeling so torn, so bad, so guilty about the signs and synchronicities not being enough; about seeking to find more. This journey is spiritual and I cannot continue to look through the lens of my human eyes. I’m sharing my heart with Nikki and on the sound system comes the song: "I Won't Give Up"  by Jason Mraz. The lyrics break my heart. I’m feeling as though  I’m hurting Matthew with my thoughts and difficulty in comprehending our new language. Impossible to hurt one in spirit, yet in my grief, I am hanging onto that human perspective. Here are some of the lyrics:

“And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find”

The Love is so strong, He hears me. He waits. He knows the lessons must continue and he continues to send validation. His validations break through my curtain of grief.

To be continued . . . 

To read Parts 1 & 2, please click the links below:
IN THE GLOAMING OF GRIEF (Part 2 of 4)
IN THE GLOAMING OF GRIEF (Part 1 of 4)

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