REMEMBERTING MATTY ON HIS 7TH ANNIVERSARY

Matthew Laurent Allard "Matty"

I was given a beautiful gift of remembrance today that brings back into the light Matty's inspired words "When we don't have the words, we have the Love". As I've sat in the silence these last few years with no audible words to share yet guided by Love on this my journey to healing, the Soul Journey part. Today feels like the close of this silent chapter and the opening of another filled with sound. A grief group I belong to From Grief toHope, a private group so I will not be sharing their gift to me, yet the message received from Matty came in loud and clear. They held me in Love and brought me back to the year of Matty's passing—2015 and some of his inspired words from the Voice of Grief blog. These I share in the hope of offering comfort to the heart that hurts.

"Fly free, Fly high, soar my sweetheart - you're not earthbound anymore...Are you everywhere - a thought, a breath, a scent, a vision of beauty, a sound?...Does your love leave a trail of laughter and joy, are you filling our hearts with comfort, our souls with peace?...You are light, you are love - you continue to live in our hearts, our souls, in the Beyond. We are connected, we are one".

(From the @Voice of Grief Golden Light Forever'mor blog post, December 3, 2015)

In this period of contemplation and reflection, Matty felt quiet. As in the past when met with silence, it was a signal that more healing work was headed my way. Last night in a journal entry, I was contemplating the difference between integration, which Matty has been guiding me to, and feeling the yearning yet impossibility of regeneration of the heart that has been tugging at the human me. I emptied my heart over what I've been pondering on this 7-year anniversary and honestly found myself standing at the edge of this moment, this very personal moment, this day that gives me pause. The From Grief to Hope group helped me arrive to the other side of today, the Blessings Side. And if I lift my eyes, the eyes of my heart and look out over the chasm to seek sight of the other edge, I see eternity—beautiful, embracing and Universal.

Last night's journal entry:

Regeneration of the heart is silenced. Evolution made it so. Still, it is a wish my heart holds; seems it would make the pain of missing less piercing. The best it can do is heal with scarring.

Integration though is like a whisper. "How to" escaped me as a newly bereaved and today it is in the silence that I can hear the whispers. They are the sounds of encouragement, Love that no longer needs a beating heart, phantom limbs extending into a new form of embrace.

Matty, I can find you in the whispers. If my mind is clouded like the fog over the Golden Gate Bridge, your whispers are like emergency beacons. Am I getting warmer, closer to insight and understanding or colder . . . moving away from soul, our spirit connection. In the silence, touching the scars of my heart whether engrossed in a past memory or the present day love, your Love channeled by your children—the whispers take on a melody. Are you singing me the song of our life? It's a tune that guides me toward integration . . . forward.

Seven years today Sweetheart. Feels so long in earthly years. Love goes on and sometimes life takes a pause. Today is a pause for me, walking through the suffering and the blessings and every January 3rd I am returned to the beginning; the awe and wonder of your birth, the awe and wonder of life, Love. The Personal and the Universal. Both needed for integration as the Universal holds the Wholeness I've been seeking while the Personal pauses to take a day to care for my physical heart. 

"Fear not, I Am with you", words from scripture and whispers from the Collective surround me. You all are part of the Universal Consciousness, the Collective that embraces Matty and I today. Wholeness and the Personal moment held by my heart, soul and spirit. Integration—Healing. Thank you so very much.

Matty, Love you Forever'mor!

 

FILENAME: #8Matty

 

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you

FILENAME: #8Matty

Dearest, dearest Matty:

No title for this blog post . . . is it really a blog post or are we going to have a conversation, a visit? #8 Matty—the years are adding up. It’s after Christmas and Dad and I decide to head out for a ride to the coast. Took this pic. What do I see? Shadows are in front of and not behind me. The terrain is rocky; the sky is blue. The ocean is calm after the recent storm. I see winter brush, standing naked against the landscape and evergreens that could pass for trees photographed in a milder season. There’s a contrail in the sky like a lone finger pointing, guiding the way; wisps of clouds and two anonymous people, one looking forward and one looking back. I guess the anonymous mirror me. This is what I’m doing, looking forward and back; January 3^rd has that effect on me. There is a lot of symbology in this photo. I like that the shadows are looking forward. Sun to my back shining its light; unable to go through me yet the message is important and finds a way to call to me. Two shadows, I’m never alone. Two shadows, more heartwork to do. The sky so blue. I asked you sweet Matthew to teach me how to pray and you’ve led me to the re-discovery of the rosary. Not to the doctrine and dogma of my Catholic roots but to the Blessed Mother, the Virgin and the Earth—feminine energy that calls out to me, that shows me her presence. I can see Her with my physical eyes when I take in the glory of Her deeply colored sky. I feel Her through the eyes of my heart; that invisible organ that awakens my unseen senses, the ones that usher in direct communion, communication through experience. It's what is needed; open arms and the protection offered by a blue sky mantle. A rocky road and yet I’m standing and taking in this beautiful view; absorbing the feelings of the moment, a sponge, full and not quite ready to be wrung out. It’s peaceful. It’s cold without being biting and the expanse of water is limitless—like consciousness.

“A shadow is never created in darkness. It is born of light.

We can be blind to it and blinded by it. Our shadow asks us to look

at what we don’t want to see.”

Terry Tempest Williams, When Women Were Birds: Fifty-four Variations on Voice

The shadow part of the soul journey, not the easiest to walk through and yet the bounty is great and the fruitage can be harvested at many points along the way. What is my shadow trying to tell me? I hear the murmurings of the wind, I must listen with full attention as the hum is quite low, the clouds are barely moving. Patience, I gather like spiritual berries that need to be picked. Grief lives in a field of Great Mystery. There is not one destination, only layers of depth and timeless wisdom to be unearthed. My harvest is an ingathering, a within-gathering. You’ve shared much through your teachings and my learnings of divine Love.  I’ve amassed the fruits of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and generosity of spirit. All culled in divine timing and fertilized with persistence and determination. I grow in clarity and understanding as the seed planted the day your soul left this earthly incarnation blossoms into a flower “where are you?” Miracles happen—that’s what it feels like to me. Heaven on earth moments when our souls connect, the veil thins and our worlds merge. Love is powerful. An open-heart charges the atmosphere and your thoughts become my thoughts and the closeness is real, the experience is real and it’s a taste of the “elixir of eternity”. . . like the morning of May 30^th, the day before your birthday this past year.

I was filled with the sounds and feels in nature and this was your perfect opportunity for a visit. My Kids Messenger app sent a notification and it was your Addy, camping for a week by the river. I want to relive this memory together; that’s what we do, make new memories you and I. Addy’s and my chat began:

Addy: Good morning 😃

Me: Good morning! Did you have a nice sleep with all of that river cool air? 😎 Feels good when the air is cool for sleeping.

Addy: I did did you have a good sleep 🛌

Me: It was grand! All the windows open. Listening to the chirping birds this morning, the buzzing bees. Soaking in life Addy. Stop for a moment Addy and look around you if you are at the river right now. Look at the  water. See the wind create ripples on its top. Next the trees. Do the leaves look like they are waving? The sun, the color of the sky are next. It's so beautiful. When we take a moment to fill our hearts with this beauty . . . we get to feel happiness, we send out a BIG THANK YOU to the beauty in nature that surrounds us. This is a very good way to start your day. Love you Sweetheart ❤

Addy: Wow 🤩
Addy: That was amazing

Me: Have the best day my love and spread that happiness that is in your heart. 😍

Addy: Oki

Me: And the only thing you have to do is BE you, smiling, happy, kind and loving.  ❤

Addy: Oh thank you 😊

The messenger post was a first . . . definitely a nudge from you Matty, an exercise for your special girl. Long for her to read and a lesson for her heart. Her response tells me she was feeling. My feeling lasted all day. "I AM Everything and NoThing". Yes, Matty you are. You are Love, everywhere and Addy and I know how it feels in the present, in the presence, moment by moment . . . "blending our two worlds".

Another remembering. Words delivered in the quiet and stillness of meditation years ago. “Less Hardly, More Ever”. Four words and their meanings change as you help to change me. We are hardly less separated from each other. Rather evermore connected in eternal Beingness.  From the deep, guttural cries of a Mother's heart, I found you. In the silence you waited, listened and heard the sounds of my voice of grief.  Held and embraced gently by the Love of a son in spirit, this journey to healing we walk together revealing the beauty, the awe and wonder of Life beyond life—the mysteries of grief holding uncertainties until released. A gift that continuously grows given through the whispers of Love, allowed and gratefully received by an open human heart. A blending, Spirithuman to Spirit. Together. Always.

Loved for’evermore.

Mom

DADDY'S LOVE, HIS KISSES, HIS HUGS

Daddy & Uncle Matty, his Love lives on the Inside now

I heard the sound the ache in my heart makes when it takes a moment to cheer on the joy. Tuesday sleepovers at Gammy and Bampy’s lead to lazy Wednesdays, We look forward to the firefly shows that dazzle us through the window screens at bedtime, nature’s nightlights! Favorite breakfasts are served, there’s collaboration on the current play in production, packing up towels and snacks and a quick change into bathing suits and we are ready for the water show to begin. I’m treated to dives and jumps, twists and twirls, double rollovers and their favorite . . . the canyonball. Another word I can’t bring myself to correct. They are growing so fast, it’s a part of the past I’m bringing into my present for now. The future and change will come quickly enough. 

Love visited us today. I was taking care of all the outside things that needed to be packed up for our walk back to the house while unbeknownst to me, the kiddos were taking care of the inside. As I was stuffing my carry bag, I heard shouts of glee “Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Matty, Uncle Matty”.

When I turned to see what all the excitement was about, the sight that fell upon my physical eyes brought tears. All four were kneeling on the deck, kissing the same spot over and over. Took me a moment to compose myself. The kisses, the once babies growing like weeds, the years since they’d had the physical contact, the missing, the questions, the tears, the memories fast fading like an ‘ol Polaroid left in the sun. And then my spirit nudge. “No, No, No you are looking at a scene with your mind. Take it to the heart and tell me what you feel”. In that moment I became present with the joy, the unexpected visit from a beloved Daddy and Uncle Matty. No sadness in their hearts. Only openness and the will to receive all the Love that was being showered upon them in that moment.

“Hey, my Little Loves what have you found?” I asked. Four voices in chorus shouted back. “It’s a sign, it’s a sign!” There was a beautiful hello from heaven, a water spot in the shape of a heart. I allowed the nano-second of sorrow to pass through me and was reminded that what is seen from the outside captures a much different picture than the Truth felt from the inside.

Feeling, the experience born from heartspace. Love, the gift, the energy, the vibration that both gives and receives. It’s an invitation to unity, to remember that we are all connected through this power of Love. It runs through us like a river and when I align with the flow, I’m taking care of myself from the inside. My responsibility, my inner work, my contribution to making change. Working on my Love, giving and receiving. I’m happy I was brought into their circle. They created a new memory that is rubbing-in worthy, a beautiful grief tool passed on by a friend. When you want to remember, feel and rub it into your heart. Love will recall it when you need it most.

Meet me in the heart. . . anytime.

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MY SONSHINES—MY BOYS OF MAY

Only from the heart can you touch the sky ~ Rumi

My Dearest Boys,

A different celebration of my Boys of May this year. The Covid-19 stay-at-home orders are keeping us apart, no physical sharing of the must have Carvel “Birthday Cake” today. Postponed for a bit and serving up memories and introspection instead. Visited Matty’s sacred space in our backyard this morning where some of his ashes have been strewn over the graves of his beloved pups. It was as it he cleared a path through the woods for my walk down memory lane. I’m usually greeted by fallen branches, brush that needs to be reigned in to get through, and a seasonal stream that demands navigation. This morning, I walked on a carpet of leaves accompanied by nothing other than the voiceless sounds of nature. The leaves felt soft and luxurious and gave way to a slight sinking into feeling with every step. Sinking into—that feeling when my mind joins my heartspace. I was sinking into the years of love our family has given and received to and from each other and this backyard woodland. The yellow-green color of spring leaves, the rustling whispers or their roar before a storm. The shade and coolness inviting us to sit in silence when we needed a close by get-away. The imagination allowed to run wild with the wonderings of the story held by the ancient stone wall. The mosquitoes, black flies and no-see-ums must have been given a directive as they were nowhere to be seen.

I spent some time clearing the stones and when the past rushed in and left through my eyes, my heart gave me a squeeze for the unanticipated moment of emotion. I thought about how pain and joy cross through each other and with a sigh, turned around to head back to the house. I was stopped in my tracks by two trees, growing side by side—I looked up and saw symbols of you two—my boys, together, shoulder to shoulder sharing a conversation meant only for your ears and hearts. My view was framed by the sun shining through your canopies—my Sonshines, my boys of May deeply rooted in Love, growing toward the Light, inseparable, filling my heart with the fullness granted to me on your birth days.

The year 2020 may have ushered in a different feel in the atmosphere . . . but not in our hearts. Love lives. Happy Birthdays Jason & Matty.

Love forevermore my Geminis `.

Mom

JOIN US ON FACEBOOK CLICK THE LINK:  VOICE OF GRIEF

Finding Comfort in the Uncomfortable

 The contrasts . . . showing up in words!

Prepping to sit down and write this blog post when the Less Hardly poster comes to mind. I never quite understood what Spirit’s message was until it was time for me to—and then the message is revealed.

I am being touched by the unknown in this pandemic. When thoughts and mind seek refuge in the heart, the joining disempowers fear . . . not dispels, as this emotion is a part of my human condition. I am once again searching for the comfort in uncomfortable, that sacred space within where I can find my equilibrium, my balance between two opposing feelings until that time-of-ready where Spirit resumes my march forward.

Love greets the unity of heart and mind and I am spared the frenetic-thoughts generated by fear. I carry this joining a step further and in complete willingness, I align my heart with Source/Spirit/God/Love. In a now wholehearted relationship, a direct connection with Spirit, I experience a harmonizing in fear—a less hardly feeling of anxiety and worry as guidance received from Spirit is more ever with me, releasing the reaction to fear that once kept my mind captive. What I once considered a baser of emotions, I discover emotions do not have a need to be categorized and these emotions are hardly less important for the growth of my soul than Love is for its evolution. It is much easier to return to this state of heart alignment knowing that I am evermore within reach of the One that is always with me . . . and so continues my journey to healing. A soul journey where today a play on words received in 2019 are now mirrored back to me and in reflection, carry a new meaning.

Words. A love of mine. A lover of words has its own special word—a logophile. Words throughout my life (a'ha moment here) I've collected like little treasures. They are my rock collection, my coin collection or like any other collectible one finds interesting. Why do we collect things? Well for one, my word collection makes me happy. I’m able to experience unexpected moments of joy when I come across a word that engages a few of my five senses.

I have a collection of words of world places simply because I like the way the sounds roll off my tongue when pronounced and the way they hit my ear as if a musical note . . . Kuala Lumpur, Apalachicola, Sebastopol. My favorite foreign word—one word used to describe a complex emotion—schaudenfreude. I believe this word needs time for reflection as part of my spiritual journey and deserves a #750 word contemplation as I parse through the feelings opposing the norm elicited by this descriptive, and learning more about myself in the process. Epicaricacy, its English counterpart . . . not so fond of! 

Mispronunciation and misreading. There is a good chance that new memories are in the making during these times. Family togetherness, when we are truly in relationship with one another—listening, loving. One of my favorites comes from a young Matty, misreading an outdoor patio sign at a local restaurant we were lunching at. “The topatio” (toe.pa.tay.o), he proudly announced is where he’d like to sit . . . to patio this way, read the sign! To this day whenever the family sees outside seating, it continues to be called the topatio. Spanakopita, or better know to our clan as spank-a-pita, always brings a smile and a wonderful memory; a warmth to my heart of a special time when more love was coming into our family. Or the love of listening to a child recite the ABC's for their first time. Learning letters that will later be constructed into words. Made for the heart words that go years without correction as toddlers begin to speak their version of ad-adult language— lellow, nemember, a'cation, anoculars.

Word play. I use words to create a visual, a metaphor through and not over the hardchips I come across on my path. Yes, this too came from Spirit. I was typing the word hardships, a typo turned into a mini-moment of reflection and a flow of words came next to help define. They are heart chips, little nicks taken from the heart when met with obstacles, challenges, setbacks. Nicks from the heart recognized by my grit, tenacity and perseverance. Nicks leaving enough space for fear and doubt to enter and disrupt the virtues of trust and belief. Little pieces waiting for clarity and understanding, a return to the whole teaching me patience—biding time until my soul journey calls out that the time is right, here and now.  I pick up a piece, a nick and embrace it. I thank it for its patient waiting. I hold it and examine it and turn it over to see all sides and angles. I ask “what will you be teaching me” and this week the answer is “the birth of judgement”. 

When I'm trying to personalize, get my arms around, embrace—a concept, feelings, emotions—when I need a greater understanding, I give them a tighter embrace. They, the unknown, spring from small letters to capitalized letters when they’ve found a place in my heart and reverence for their teachings.

The soul journey, finding comfort in the uncomfortable is a much needed examination of the inner me, revealing more of Me. Talking about, sharing, hearing, listening, taking words turned into stories and placing them into the heart for safekeeping, these soul journeys of mine and others. There exists a need to find the comfort in the uncomfortable when speaking of this topic. It arrives clothed in vulnerability. The dialogue may feel less than natural at the start, angst filled until my Brave steps forward to take my hand—intimacy recognized by soul. Hiding, compartmentalizing, running from the feelings, the conversations rob me of the opportunity to perhaps gain a shift in perception with the possibility leading to a change in perspective. When I dig deeper, I get closer to answering the question “Who am I?”

Spiritual word play, I hold great appreciation and a zeal as this is how Spirit/Soul my awareness of Christ-consciousness allows me to tap into the pool of universal Wisdom. What does this all mean? More healing, more soul remembering. The soul journey is a journey of re-memory-ing. I am born with an open-ended invitation to connect with the Great Mystery and in my rsvp of yes, I am choosing presence in alignment, union, and relationship. The wisdom held in the soul, in union with all souls makes itself known to my consciousness. I will meet my two selves; myself and mySelf on this journey. I will learn about myself, soul at birth—my humanspirit; and my soul in alignment—my Spirithuman. A simple reversal of words and a complete reversal of how I live my life forward.

My heart chips will be reunited through this process and glued together by Love. It all comes back to Love. I learned about the role of contact tracing during this pandemic; finding each covid-19 patient and their interactions since infection. My journey will undertake a bit of spiritual tracing, how everything can be traced back to Love and held together by Love.

Words are my friends and at other times in my life, when I’ve come face to face with uncomfortable topics, a topic such as Grief—where people not knowing how to begin their search in finding the comfort in the uncomfortable feel a new heart chip. The lack of words hurt, the non-acknowledgement of my grief, my loss has left me with a feeling of not belonging, set apart from the rest, isolated in mourning.

There are many unknowns that will emerge from the pandemic we are living through. I can only speak to my experience, and grief and mourning fall into the category of knowns. What part can I play as I observe the stay-at-home order with self-love for my weakened immune system and love for others with health conditions? I can use my words and share what is coming from my heart today. Perhaps shed light on the empathy and compassion needed to help one heal from the loss and tragedy that occurs daily. I witness kindness and compassion exhibited from small acts, to collective acts to great acts of collaboration. I also observe the difficulty of acceptance and believability in others who will unfortunately gain an understanding of trauma, grief, and loss when it seeks them out personally.

My heart breaks for the tragedy of this all. I have found my comfort in the uncomfortable in speaking about the feelings and emotions associated with trauma, loss and death. My heart aches for the segment of the population entering their journey into grief and mourning. Our death-averse culture places enormous uncomfortable-ness atop acts of active grieving and mourning as well as a lack of comfort when it finds itself in daily conversation. How do we choose which 10 family members can attend a viewing of a spouse, parent, child or sibling? How does having to put off services for months allow an organic start to the healing process? What happens when pain is un-acknowledged? How do we offer emotional support when one does not know what to say or where to begin?

We have tests to determine whether the virus is active, inactive or asymptomatic in individuals. Is there a test for our hearts? Our souls hold a limitless capacity for Love. What about a test measuring the heart for positive, negative or asymptomatic symptoms complete with guidelines and a level of supportive care allowing for an expansion of empathy—allowing it to flow into compassion, an emotion requiring action? Giving and receiving—two halves of a whole. The test results are invisible yet measurable by reaction to emotion. They show positive, negative or asymptomatic according to the feelings that emanate from the heart. The test could be as simple as becoming aware of your heart when one learns of, hears or reads about another’s grief and mourning. The medicine, read an article daily, take time to listen to someone’s story. Let’s engage our hearts and participate in the conversation, helping in the healing process of a fellow soul, one soul at a time.

I am beginning to see the Love that sits beneath judgement with or through my heart eyes. The acceptance that I Am humanspirit with moments of Spirithuman as my process of transformation continues. As I peel the onion to get to the core of myself, to feel every part of every emotion and observe my reactions until there are none; I will be a part of this conversation. Herein lies the lesson . . . the need to feel in order to see from the heart. Thoughts delivered to the heart, joined in seeking answers, buttressing the heart of humanity, finding unity. Thank you Spirit for this lesson orchestrated through my passion for word play.

“Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone's hand is the beginning of a journey.
At other times, it is allowing another to take yours.”

Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

                

LIVING WITHIN—COMING HOME

Standing at the precipice of my two worlds with Matty in Spirit 

Dearest Matty:

What is time in mourning and grieving? There is no measure as seconds fall into minutes, hours into days. Grief in the beginning, I possessed no sense of day or date, consumed by lament. Time became light or dark instead of days; morphing into wet & lush, warm & hopeful, cool & colorful replacing the seasons as they came and went. I’ve lived the weeks that have turned into months and collected the months that then defined a year, then another, and another, and another and here today, I find myself at five years. Five years and healing with grief redefined, unseen in 2015. Grief presented itself initially in dualities, ensuring that I felt the full range of emotions upsetting my sense of time and equilibrium. 

"When we hold the balance of the opposites, we embody our innate wholeness; our original, unique selves.”

(From Bringing the Dark Mother into the Light By Bethany Webster on Thursday February 23rd, 2017)

In my second year, I faced the finality of your passing. In my third, I made the choice of examining this thing called grief. First, I defined it . . . or tried to so that it made sense to me.

Grief’s first impression was dark, filled me with fear and tried desperately to cast a shadow over my love for you, tried in vain to silence my heart. I could feel the raw ball of pain that I was. It felt like imprisonment and all I wanted to do was crumble, get myself into a fetal position and cry and scream this horrible pain away. Grief arrives as does Mother Nature’s most devastating storms. It changes lives on a dime and leaves one in a state of unknowing until the storm lifts. I needed another plan. The power of love was drawing me to the fact that my daughter in law, your wife was feeling her ball of pain and in her crumble and fall, she needed help with her babies, your babies.

As I let grief wash over me through the years, I set an intention to let go of my fear and when I met grief eye to eye, I was introduced to a softening, a wisdom. I could see a beauty and found strength in her darkness. I acknowledged grief and took back my power. Grief no longer felt like an anchor that weighed me down and I extended an invitation that she become a permanent resident of my heart, opened and expanded to hold all of Grief; her darkness and light, joy and ache, chaos and comfort, hope and wisdom. An afterstorm does exist and I learned that my heart was knocking on soul’s door—a call unseen and unheard, yet strongly felt. In listening, my senses were sharpened. Hindsight taught me where there is love, there is grief and no need to run from, rather a need to run to—that's where the healing lives .

Today, grief redefined is this thing without an opposite, no antonyms needed. I’ve learned it consists of both outer and inner workings. It holds both constrictions and expansions and is a path to Wholeness. It’s a model of transformation—starts out one way, morphs into another yet creates space to hold all without an explanation needed. No explanation required because it grows and transforms in the heart and every experience is unique, expressed in feelings and not words. In the absence of words and language, metaphors and analogies become my descriptors of emotions and processing; feeling is my true teacher and lives within.

Year four pummeled me with questions born from a state of melancholia that begged for answers and you answered with this guidance:

“Keep going. I’m here. I will lead you to find your soul, your higher self. This is the you who is with me now. Then you can know we are together still . . . even between the signs”.

This year I’ve heard the whisperings of my soul.

“I am the one who is your Unseen, has observed the weight you carry, sees you feeling fragmented, sees the light through the darkness.

I need you to know we are ONE, you do not walk alone.

I want you to remember who you are—the voice of your soul.

I want you to BE.

The gift I bring to you is Love—the path to Divine Love, the ability to meld thoughts and feelings and see with your heart.”

My heart fills with tenderness and I ask: “Is there anything else you’d like to say to me today?”

Soul answers: “The path is always lit and yet remains unseen at times. In those times, a change in perception will yield a change in perspective.”

With gratitude and a feeling of being so well loved and cared for, I continue on my journey. The summer months bring many lessons, signs, synchronicities and validations. At four years and seven months, you present me with the theme of “letting go”.

The next group of moments, occurring within the time span of a week, hold great significance and insight delivered in moments of hindsight. I receive a book "Love You Forever" from a beautiful soul. She is a gift of Love, a woman I have been blessed to know and love. The tears begin to flow before I even finish reading her note. The book, a gift unrecognized and waiting to play out its role in my transformation.

I attend Jaelyn's acting debut in a summer camp theater production of The Wizard of Oz. She teaches, and I learn how to do the Munchkin Skip on the yellow brick road. How could I not as she is in character with the roles of intuition, heart, and courage leading the way. The loss of inhibitions feels wonderful! Moments that are the beginnings of transcendence— unrecognized and unwritten. 

Within a handful of days I am on Broadway in New York City sitting in on a matinee performance of Frozen; brought to my knees in tears Matthew by the second rendition of Let It Go. Elsa sings out to the Universe as she recognizes, becomes aware, has the experience of, a knowing and a belief that the thread connecting her sister Anna and herself is her true love . . .  unrecognized and unwritten until she is brought to her knees in pain. As our memories flashed through my heart, bringing me home, to myself, the tears were unearthing my inner peace, the constant feel of it waiting to rise after being so long buried since your physical passing along with self-love—recognized and ready to be re-written.

You brought me to a new beginning as I began to sense you, recognize you as one voice among many in spirit. Validations poured in and there were so many dots to connect. A random google search guided me to revisit Anne Marie Higgins’ book Dancing in Two Realms, filled with references to the Wizard of Oz, read in 2015 and forgotten until now.  A conversation with a friend nudged me to finish Henya Kagan’s Gili’s Book offering me a bereavement model that highlighted my own. This is more than integration. You are showing me there is no importance in time as I know it in this process of grief–integration–transcendence. 

How many times have I thought these summer shifts were ready to be shared in a new blog post waiting to be written? Finished, had come to an end? No, it was never about coming to an end, it was always about coming home to the human part of me that felt like it was coming out of hibernation and Home to the soul/spirit part of me I yearned to meet. You’d given me a flash of an illustration for this blog, the title Living Within—Coming Home and many parts but not the whole. I never received your nudge to write or publish until now, and the healing continues to grow!

This new language you’re teaching me to speak holds the dialects of Belief, Trust and Divine Love. In symbols, flashes of visions, thoughts and feelings, in my passion for reading, in song lyrics and through others you deliver messages to be received by an open heart. Awareness turns up the volume, contemplation is the interpreter and hindsight acts as my rewind button, needed when I fail to pick up your message. I rest assured you will continue to send until received. Connecting the dots leads to words and phrases that move me toward clarity and understanding; to the experiences that lead to a Knowing—where the unseen becomes seen and felt deeply in my heart. 

The flash of the artwork you sent created a visual imprinted on my heart. I work to recreate it digitally as I interpret it to mean a new beginning for us both. Standing atop Mother Earth with rays of light filling all spaces, I am looking at the Universe, graced with a panoramic view; you are a part of this Universe. I choose colors with no names and paint the celestial heavens to express the Love and gratitude I have for you bringing me to this new beginning. A beginning where I imagine we launch our parallel journeys together; yours as Divine-spirit and mine to what living forward holds as spirithuman. I envision that in our launch, you leave a contrail of color that shouts "I'll Love you forever, by your side I'll be; your open heart brought you Home to me." Melissa’s gift comes full circle as I see and feel the importance it plays out here.

And just when I think understanding and clarity have helped me move forward, that lack of physical sight and touch re-awakens and leaves me with a "something missing" feeling. . . a gap I can't find the words to describe. I have always felt there was a missing piece (peace), missing pieces to this grief journey of mine. There were two actually; how the aftereffects of traumatic grief affected all aspects of me and peace. I’m missing the constant flow of peace, peace as a foundation, rock solid and unmoving. I feel moments of peace in receiving your words, when being filled with eternal wisdom. I miss the peace that family brought to my heart, that feeling of completion when you were living in the flesh. This peace the human me yearns to feel again and I am ready for the spirit part of me to remember Peace; to bring me everlasting Peace that can only be found on a Soul Journey.

Maybe this is what living forward means. I engage in another self-pep talk. "Wisdom doesn't have the same sense of fulfillment as the hugs or kisses. It brings forth a great amount of joy, yet this is what your Love has evolved to, our now connection.  It's a short jump from my soul to your spirit knowing you'll always answer the call and I'll always make it to the other side of the gap. I think I'm waiting for that gap to close and I haven't been shown the answer of how to, or maybe there isn't one. Maybe the gap is filled with Love, leaving space for the missing and a reminder that where there is breath, there exists a human part of me that the spirit part needs to fulfill this earthly experience. Can't the missing just stop hurting? Maybe this is the light of living forward, gently inviting the missing to walk with me, expanding releasing constriction.

In a morning Logopraxis* connection, my daily spiritual practice, I gain insight that I am ready for a new beginning, the beginnings of a soul journey. You’ve answered questions, guided me and loved me so fully and in this safe space, I become aware of a yearning as deep for a remembrance of soul, for a personal relationship with God as my yearning for a continued relationship with you in spirit.

"When we accept what is, letting go of our hope for a different or better past, we are led into a much greater freedom. And as long as there is accountability and forgiveness as part of the process, healing will almost inevitably follow."
Richard Rogers from a CAC meditation week of Dec 8 –13, 2019

To this quote I would add . . . “letting go of our hope for a different or better past”, or waiting to be delivered to a new future. I believe I am holding onto this unseen expectation.

The gift of guidance continues and I am led to A Course of Love, a channeled work by Mari Perron akin to A Course in Miracles. A hidden gem that I was not meant to discover until now. I feel such resonance with this work. At times, most times it feels like I am joined in a private conversation for my soul's growth. “Seek and you shall find”. I have found and no longer have a need to seek—learning is what remains. I read from the Course:

"You stand at the precipice with a view of the new world glittering with all the beauty of heaven set off at just a little distance in a golden light."
A Course of Love

The illustration! Matthew I am in awe, wonder and gratitude. Another validation and a full-circle moment. You help me tweak my perception and what I had perceived as observing a very special moment of you Matty, in spirit , uniting with the Voice of Many, returning to the ONE, I now see that this is my new beginning, standing at the precipice of two worlds. You are witnessing my release of hope, opening the door to my soul journey where I’ll learn to simply BE as my soul whispered to me.  Hope, let go and surrendered returning like a boomerang as Peace. In Peace I am finding my way Home in the present. Hope encompassed the future in the beginning and middle of my grieving, I need the present now as I live forward. I am “Trusting the Journey . . . Loving the not-yet”. Words I became aware of through Sara Ruble and encouraged to live by as well as the wisdom of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin who teaches that evolution is a constant—man, spirit, the Universe. This is my RSVP to Grief's open invitation to life's reentry as "trust the journey" becomes visible and written, as doubt fades and trust strengthens as I live "loving the not-yet". As I meet you Matty, soul/spirit to spirit, our roles of Mother/Son dim as we unite in the connection of Divine Love, and a much stronger bond forms in our reconnection.

This is my soul's understanding of grief. I am guided to the learning and in awareness I open myself to the experience. Once experienced it becomes my KNOWING and the experience becomes imprinted, unseen words now written onto the heart—where growth and healing live.

I’ve experienced grief from its beginning, middle and lifetime forward. It simply isn't enough to write your story, my story, our story. Grief has a story to tell yet the words, the language, the people so sorely needed in our lives to hear grief’s story, the ones we are deeply connected to that would make words and language unnecessary are the ones that are physically missing. Grief demands more than words and when I give grief my all, she gives it all back to me—in integration of the shattered pieces, in drawing me to my unseen soul, to the process of healing physically and spiritually.

The tears are flowing as my tumbleweed of emotions roll freely with the force of missing you today. Peace is the wind, my newly discovered foundation that sees the possibility of new life in these jumbled, chaotic tumbleweed of emotions; allowing them to run their course, extracting the beauty, the balance needed to shine a light on my new life with purpose and meaning.

Thank you Matty for guiding me these five years, for showing me the other side of grief, for helping me to re-enter life through the power of Love, for helping me find my soul.

Love you with all the Unnamed Colors of our Unseen Rainbows.

Mom

*Follow this link for an explanation of logopraxis,  It is a technique that centers and grounds me as it opens me to connecting and receiving. 
https://swedenborg.com/recap-how-to-write-the-word-on-your-heart/

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THE WAY IN GRIEF

Was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed Sunday morning and happened on this question: “Who nurtured you and gave you the foundation for hope and healing in the very beginning? It originated from a Healing Through Hope* post, a grief on-line meeting support group. A safe place for healing. The facilitators were asking a food-for-thought question in preparation for their next meeting.

“Who nurtured you and gave you the foundation for hope and healing in the very beginning?”

A great question and an opportunity for a look back and a check in. I was brought back to the first days of Matty’s passing. Pain, red-stabbing, hot, heartbreaking pain is the first thing that enters my mind and the anger, I had forgotten about the anger. Yet, after four years of walking with Grief and through the wisdom of hindsight, I can stop and look back now and acknowledge that yes, it has been the most painful, angry day of my life and then move beyond the first round emotions to really swirl this question around in my heart.

My Who is really a What, a collection of Whos extending their most precious gift—their love. There was much human love expressed for Matty and our family, and so much kindness and compassion.

A Good Samaritan at the scene, Michael Bernier a war veteran, reached out to our family via a comment of pure compassion woven amongst the civil and the uncivil, posted on WMUR’s FB page, our local media who’d reported the accident prior to notification of family by posting a very identifiable photo of Matty’s mangled truck under the banner of “Breaking News Alert”. The state troopers had not yet delivered the news of the fatality. Pure chaos ensued as family was frantically looking for the wreckage from tell-tale signs from the scene, any news on Matty’s condition, which hospital he may have been brought to.

Michael’s post: To the family; My sincere condolences, I was at the scene of the accident in the South bound lane shortly after it occurred I was directing traffic so the emergency personnel could gain quick access to him. 
Please know that Matthew was not alone, he was surrounded by extremely caring people who did their collective best to look after him. One woman took her coat off to cover him from the cold. Fire rescue and police were there in minutes and did everything they could for him on the scene and got Matthew into the ambulance as efficiently as possible. My thoughts and prayers are with Matthew and your family. I am very sorry for your loss.

My brother reached out to Michael with words of great appreciation, and with permission, I am reprinting a portion of our interactions: Michael’s response; 

You are all so very welcome, I just wanted your family to know that your loved one was truly cared for in his greatest time of need. There was true human compassion and the best attempts to provide comfort to Matthew. 
If it were me in his place I would want my family and children to know this. 
I am a veteran and unfortunately this type of thing is not foreign to me. But for many of the people with Matthew at the scene it was an overwhelming experience. Despite the shock of the whole situation we all worked as cohesive as possible to try and help and comfort him. 
Despite the tragedy that was unfolding in front of us all involved it was very refreshing (for me) to see that there are brave compassionate caring people in our community. 
It is my absolute privilege to provide your family with any level of comfort, in this great time of mourning. 
Matthew will remain with me personally in my thoughts for the rest of my life along with the rest of my fallen brothers and sisters that I have lost. 
Thank you for your replies, they are equally as meaningful to me. 
Thank you.  

All of Michael’s words held me up and these especially "Matthew will remain with me personally in my thoughts for the rest of my life along with the rest of my fallen brothers and sisters that I have lost".  That is really what matters most to me. That my beautiful boy is remembered. That he lived, he mattered and someone else is keeping him safe in their heart. That his name, whether spoken aloud or silently remembered, lives on. A good man and I will be forever grateful for the kindness, the caring and the compassion he gave to my son and extended to our family. A man I've never met yet will forever admire.

Love embraced Matty again when a very close friend of his was the professional First Responder on the scene of the accident. The friend will remain unnamed due to the HIPAA Privacy Rule inforce for our Emergency Personnel. The shock this friend must have absorbed when he saw it was his dear friend that he needed to attend to. What strength and courage it must have taken to be both friend and medical tech in that same moment. He rode with him in the ambulance, stayed with him in the Emergency Room, held his hand til Matty took his last breath. In love for Matty and compassion for me, this beautiful friend shared his story with me at Matty’s Celebration of Life service. For days my heart had been beating in crushing despair with the thought that Matty died with no family or friends with him. I wondered if he suffered, what his final moments on this earth were like, what were his final thoughts, was he alone with emergency personnel? Upon hearing the story, gratefulness and peace for this part of my grief filled my heart, blanketing the sorrow that lay underneath the looming question; the question begging for an answer—answered. Love for Matty, extended to his Mom.

Love for Matty snaked around a corner in a line that extended several neighborhood blocks as family, friends, co-workers and business associates waited hours in line to pay their final respects in sub-zero weather that matched the chill that we all felt when hearing the news that January day. Matty, killed in a single-car accident.

Love filled the waiting rooms, the viewing room; love was found in abundance in hugs and tears as we tried to wrap our arms around the unimaginable.

It was love that gave my husband and I, mourning and grieving very differently, the space we needed tethered by the connection that supports. It was the love of a sister that called daily from her home, a four hour drive away, and made sure we had our morning mug of tea and tears together. It was the love of a son, daughters in law and four little grandbabies that created a force field that held us together. It was the love of family, friends and reconnected old friends that contained the blaze of fire I held in my heart and ensured that I did not self-combust. Love tended the fire and worked on suppression knowing that the embers would glow for a very long time.

It was in a moment of feeling the bounty of love that surrounded, circulated and permeated my heart by so many that made me think silently and so illogically, “maybe this is not going to be as hard as I thought”, unaware in these early days of the effects shock imprints on the body. I was so very, very wrong! When the shock of it all wore off, excruciating heart pain returned. Love felt frozen in my heart; my feelings, numbed and cold, stilled and incapable of my giving. I sat with this new loss from a frozen heart and in silence, sorrow, reflection and prayer—this too passed. With thoughts of gratitude and remembrances, I re-discovered the warm spot that held Matty while the love of others held me and wrapped in love, my heart thawed.

It was my heart’s foundation to live a life lovingly with much laughter, kindness, and compassion while upholding the innate moral code of the Golden Rule.  A foundation of the heart, inherent in both my Mom and Dad and instilled in myself and my siblings was lauded as a good path to joy and happiness. It is a strong foundation and in walking with Grief, I feel as though my heart’s foundation remains solid. Nothing depleted or removed from, rather it has been added to and put through a test of its strength. My way in Grief is seeking integration with this foundation. This was Matty’s intrinsic foundation and he lived it well. It was love that made me ask the question “where are you Matty?”. It was love that fueled my need, my desire to find his spirit—to renew a relationship that was made of the heavens.

Matty left us with a legacy of love. Matty’s spirit brought me to the in-flow of Divine Love—everlasting Love, expansive Love, a never-constricting Love, a multi-dimensional Love; a Love bigger than human love, a soul to spirit, spirit to Spirit Love. Divine Love is the greatness of heart. Pierced by the magic arrow of soul, the heart changes, transforms my spiritual world allowing miracles to happen in my physical world. It is an example of working from the inside out and creates a stream of Love where the unseen becomes visible; where once hidden becomes known, discerning the connectivity to all living, human, plant, animal with soul. It is the light that shines the way to Oneness to Wholeness. A Love continually expanding with the ever-expanding Universe. Its container is infinite and eternal.

What power L(l)ove has! Four words when repeated, create a mantra to help quiet the chaotic babbling in my mind. A garden of hope planted by the knowing that I am the holder—the giver and receiver of an impenetrable force. Not death, not darkness, not sorrow, not fear can extinguish the intensity of Light that is L(l)ove, both the human and the Divine.

Tears and sadness enveloped in hope do not disturb the joy, happiness and laughter of my heart’s foundation. Healing has illuminated that Love and Grief, the ache and the joy, the tears and the laughter, the goodbyes and hellos among many others are individual sides of the same coin. I face the reality of this paradox regularly in Grief. My heart simply makes room for all emotions and they bubble forth a great amount of empathy and compassion and show me that I am living with a deeper Love guided by Grief handed over to the Divine. Grief—not bad, not good, made up of light and dark, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud and a part of me now. A chapter of my story that is transforming and healing me.

How do I see the way in Grief? Is this the same question I’ve asked in a different manner as I collect the pieces of Grief while seeking the how-to of integration? I’ve learned that there is no way out, no way through. Grief is permanent as my L(l)ove is permanent, a to the moon and back through infinity type of L(l)ove. There is no total absence of joy and laughter nor total sadness, weariness and heaviness. Grief transforms with forward movement. Grief has another side that I met along my way. It is insights and learnings. It is finding balance and ushering peace and calm and comfort into the arms of uncomfortable-ness. It’s a shedding, a letting go, a release that delivers a change-ness, a now-ness. It’s a complete turn-around, a total 360º.  It’s a within-ness that shuts the light on—wisdom garnered from my 4 year-old grandson, Bear. Learning language is a process. How many words does a 4 year-old hold? I don’t have an answer to that, however I do know that the Littles concentrate on intention when a desire, a want or a need, wishes to be met. Bear was born with greatness of heart and his soul has “shut his light on”. He bypasses the chaos and confusion of not always having the correct word at hand, yet his heart holds the intention and in our heart connection I understand what he needs help with.

It’s seeing and understanding, gaining clarity within the chaos and the uncertainty. It’s taking a risk. It’s operating from the inside out with faith in W(w)hatever / W(w)homever. Faith upended by belief through way of experience (the game-changer), to a knowing. It’s communication not necessarily with words and most definitely with feeling and interpretation. It’s shining a light on yourself. In spirit-speak, shining a light on you-R-Self. It is trust. It is truth. It is wisdom. It is my way in Grief.

*NOTE: To learn more about Healing through Hope, please visit their Facebook page by clicking on the link above. This group is a valuable resource for inspiring growth and healing on your journey through child loss and grief from many other forms of loss.

From their page:

Healing Through Hope

- learning to live with the loss of our child/children.

- An environment to feel safe to share.

- A way for all to find Hope.

- A way to use that Hope toward Healing.

- Inspiration and empowerment to move forward and grow.

Our mission is to find hope and move toward healing. Within a circle meeting environment, we explore supportive tools that help guide us on our personal and individual healing journeys.

JOIN US ON FACEBOOK CLICK THE LINK:  VOICE OF GRIEF