Monday, January 22, 2024

In-Sighs, Breaths of Expression for the Soul


 

A holy moment in grief is experiencing life with the insight of spirit. Insight of spirit—inner sight, intuition, guidance; the flashes of insight, the a'ha moments, the moments of clarity and understanding. In-sighs—internal, audible breaths within heard by the soul . . . those moments where your heart feels it has been given a new set of eyes. You are seeing and feeling and imprinting this moment at the same time. Not one before the other making way for the next. All together, present time moments happening in that realm of connection between spirit and form.


A'ha moments bringing me back to the excitement felt during my first elementary school volcano and lava project—that moment when baking soda is added and there is a sudden, instant change. Awe and wonder! It’s that magical moment in making homemade caramel when the butter and sugars react, bubble up and the content in the pot is now a lighter color. It’s moments I’m left with a dropped jaw and an open mouth. I may or may not have understood immediately the "how" . . . not important at this juncture, but I do know these EXPERIENCES left a definite impression on me. 


These lightbulb moments may create a pause that leave one with something that stays with, to be recalled sometimes at the oddest of times, maybe years later. As my soul journey to healing, to wholeness progresses, an insight of clarity or understanding may come in a flash. Both ways have changed me. In the pause, hindsight offers a reveal when the heart is ready to receive. The a'ha moment reveals a glimpse of a panoramic view, an elevated view that allows one to climb over the roadblock, take the right turn at a crossroad; a change in perception, a new perspective allowing living forward. This is a shift. A joyous, wondrous shift. There are also shifts that have walked me back a few paces. They've arrived as moments of learning, teaching me patience, bringing me to a deeper level of trust. Showing me that life is not swallowed up in one big gulp and neither is grief. Sips allow the body its healing time needed for absorbing and processing. Grief can feel like a dehydrated state of the heart, an organ in need of healing. In the process of absorbing and processing, the miracle of awareness is awakened—that time when spirit whispers to soul: "I am with you always". The heartwork of grief, the journey to healing—learning to embrace it all.



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Wednesday, January 3, 2024

"Welcome, Christmas (Fah Who Doraze)"

“Christmas Day will always be. Just as long as we have we.”


Dearest Matthew,

I must admit I was feeling a bit off this Christmas and holiday season. I had misplaced my warm embrace. My open heart was a bit guarded and my open arms were lying by my side. It was the perfect year for a Grinch Tree.

We have a tradition of our own, the Grands and I. We begin our evening wearing matching pj's, decorating the tree while retelling stories of our favorite ornaments, figuring out whose turn it is to set the Brooklyn Atlantic Avenue Santa atop our Christmas tree, and we end the evening with a holiday movie. Elf usually wins! The Mystery Surprise for me was the year all four looped arms, faced the tree and sang Welcome Christmas Fah Who Doraze. The month of December and preparations for Christmas pose challenges for me. Regardless of the healing, the joy felt and misplaced, the peace that comes and goes, the procrastination that directs the traffic of my heart, these Littles placed a pause squarely in my center. Yes, they are the reason a tree goes up and celebration ensues.

I changed things up a bit this year. We are going to celebrate the true meaning of a "Whoville" Christmas. The pj's are Grinch-themed, the movie is "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" and the focus on presents is replaced by Blessings. What are they? Where do they live? How do you touch them . . . give and receive them? Why Blessings? I felt you with me Matty as our story starts to take shape.

BUT, before I continue, a bit of a blessings back story. We've been working with the concept since this past summer's time at Gammy Camp. The topic continues to enter into quite a few of our conversations. On this Eve of Christmas Eve — scene change:

I had picked the kids up from school and we were on the road again. I started to go at a green light then paused assessing a less-than-safe action by an oncoming driver. The driver behind us toots their horn and out of a very disquieted mouth of babes, I hear: "You're probably going to bless him Gammy. I'm not going to bless someone if I'm being attacked".

. . . and here is where I shout out to you Matty, all Angels and Ancestors, that higher energy of the Divine Collective for some quick help in the form of a reply to that statement uttered in conviction, as one continues to escape me! The sound immediately gives rise to Bear's hair standing on end. A thought, a nudge and a lo and behold moment presents itself. A discussion ensues about our reactions to the sound of a horn blowing. Bear's is annoyance and anger and Gammy's is giving the other driver a bit of grace for not knowing what is happening in their life, this day, at this moment. One reaction creates agitation, an alarm and the other, a calmness and an opportunity to give a blessing, danger averted. The driver takes the turn as we do and heads in the same direction. He's traveling behind us at a very safe distance with no incidence whatsoever of erratic, aggressive driving. The lesson learned here is an awareness of differing reactions to the same occurrence and leaves Bear's comment in the category of "foundation lain with still more to come".  A horn toota sound that brought us all to the present moment and to a dialogue that allowed for open-hearted expressions.

Back to our sleepover and in anticipation of a surprise to come. I ask and they give me their undivided attention as they squeeze together on the loveseat, I continue. "Blessings are gifts of the purest energy . . . LOVE, love that lives in our hearts. God is where Love begins. We can find Blessings when we connect with our hearts. How do we connect? By being quiet for a moment. By paying attention to our breath, that slows down the chatter in our minds. Then, when we feel that breath in our heart space, we ask in prayer to God, Jesus, Blessed Mama, the Holy Spirit, saints or to loved ones no longer physically here and we say:

"Heavenly Source, you who are everywhere, please open my heart and fill it with Love.

"Breathe that prayer in, deeply, slowly. We grow that feeling by simply remembering a time when we felt love, when we gave love. What does Love feel like when we receive it? What does Love feel like when we give it? We give Blessings by sending the Love in our hearts to another person, an animal, another country, our Mother Earth in her beautiful sunsets, flowers and creatures. We bless silently or with words if we feel moved to use them.

"Why Blessings? Because they are powerful, free and they grow GOD which is The All of Love. Tonight that Love that we are going to be remembering, celebrating, keeping it a living, growing, expanding thing is your Daddy's, your Uncle's, my Son's. It's the ONE thing we'll always have of him, always with us; so close that we don't know where we end and he begins. That's the beauty, the blessing, the holy part of Love. It's a union, it takes two or more and changes the individual parts to a whole . . . like when you kiddos make chocolate milk. You first pour milk, add alot or a little chocolate syrup and then stir, shake or blend it in the smoothie blender. Now, the milk and syrup are totally changed, remade into something else. No longer separate ingredients, they are now one glass of goodness. The smoothie blender whips the milk and syrup into a delicious, frothy drink that grows to twice its original size. When you take that first sip, drink and enjoy your chocolate milk, you feel happy—you've found a perfect moment in your day. There's no unhappiness, grouchiness, fighting, no jealously, no wanting, no making fun of or being made fun of, and as Jordyn says "that's so satisfying". That feeling feels BIG . . . like the feeling of generosity. When we are loving, being loved, we are being the best humans our souls want us to be. That BIG Love is what a blessing is and when we can share that BIG Love by asking for the heart of someone to be opened and filled with Love, we are taking responsibility for making the world a better place by growing Love.

"Tonight, right now, we are going to bring the Love that is Daddy/Uncle Matty into our hearts and then turn it around and send it back into the world. Every Christmas we are going to do something to celebrate, to remember, to keep alive that Love that is Matty, Poppy, Mams, Pepere and Grampy —all of our ancestors and loved ones that are alive in Love . We are going to give a blessing in memory of and receive a special hug to our hearts. We say to them, "we Love you, we celebrate you, we remember you, we thank you for watching over us".

"This beautiful, BIG feeling of Love that is sitting in our hearts right now, we are grateful for it. In the spirit of giving, what this Christmas season welcomes . . . and here, Gammy is going to stop talking and let your hearts take over, do the speaking. Send a blessing of Love to someone, some creature, some situation that could use Love's healing. Let's pause for a moment and send our own blessing". With a chorus of Amens, we truly entered the Christmas season. 

As a token of remembrance for this night, I hand out a small bag to each. They hold a projection bracelet with a photo of you Matty, embedded in the tiniest gem; a photo they've never seen. As they sit in BIG Love, with expanded hearts full with more feelings than can be contained, our night explodes into sounds of glee with a mixture of happy tears and a cacophony of voices giving directions on how to look into the gem and a demonstration of how the image can be projected onto a wall. With a unique reminder infused with the superpower of LOVE wrapped around their wrists, Blessings makes a permanent imprint upon their hearts. 

I embrace it all; the missing you, the joy in the kids faces, the peace that fills me in the quiet space and twinkling of tree lights, the memories that rise and the tears that fall, in the awe and wonder of the experiences of our new language, and in the revelations of the once hidden and unknown. All of it, the parts and pieces making up our Wholeness Story. Making up— the imagined until making up delivers the lo and behold—The Real. 

Bear's statement of conviction will perhaps find a shifting perception one day, coming to him at a time of Self-discovery. I can talk words which are simply letters of the alphabet strung together. Perhaps this alphabet soup transforms into understanding through life's experiences; personal, unique and uncovered at the right time. A soup of random letters transforming into words telling his own story, learning from life's experiences lived through his personal self and elevated Self. 

"This acting like you are something else is the ego" so tells me my be-loved book, A Course of Love ( ACOL U.13)   

Talk the talk is the something else rather than walk the talk with all of my piccadillos; my doubts, my trust, judgments and discernment, my seeking and discovering, my grief and healing, connection and union, ego and elevated Self. It's the Wholeness of life. Reality, sees the ego, and Spirit sees a false self—an illusion. Life transforms into the genuine - authentic - bona fide - undeniable - honest-to-goodness - "truer than true", "You-er than you" Self.  The Real no longer imagined" says my soul, container of spirit and permanent resident of my open heart. "Cheers, you've got it" cry out miracles, blessings conveyed and the gift of Divine Love. 

What is wisdom teaching me today? 

Science knows what science knows and expels the spiritual unknown. The Mystery of Life invites me to walk into the embrace of the unknown where knowing is replaced by revelation 
. . . a remembrance of what has always been known. Ironically, science is a part of the word structure—conSCIENCE, my invisible, immeasurable inner guide that weighs the laws of man and God. 

I am grateful for my 4 now 5 Little Blessings. My world is continually evolving. Love expands mine when received as a gift and keeps your Legacy of Love alive when returned to the Universe. 

In spite of it all, Love brings me moments of Heaven on Earth—real, in the imaginal—not imagined. 

Nine years and I miss you. Still. Aways. I am in relationship with you Matthew—beautiful, ever loving, wise discarnate Spirit, in the deep spaciousness of Christ-consciousness. 

So happy we've spent this time together. Rachel delivered your Christmas message and I received it with a full heart: 

"And Behold, I am with you always".
Matthew 28:20 

You surely are! 

A fitting ending to our magical, heart-transformed Grinchy Christmas; a message for all: 

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not".

Dr. Seuss
brainyquotes.com 

Heart Love you forever'mor 💙
MLA 13 -- January 3, 2015 

Mom


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Thursday, February 16, 2023

REMEMBERTING MATTY ON HIS 7TH ANNIVERSARY

Matthew Laurent Allard "Matty"

I was given a beautiful gift of remembrance today that brings back into the light Matty's inspired words "When we don't have the words, we have the Love". As I've sat in the silence these last few years with no audible words to share yet guided by Love on this my journey to healing, the Soul Journey part. Today feels like the close of this silent chapter and the opening of another filled with sound. A grief group I belong to From Grief toHope, a private group so I will not be sharing their gift to me, yet the message received from Matty came in loud and clear. They held me in Love and brought me back to the year of Matty's passing—2015 and some of his inspired words from the Voice of Grief blog. These I share in the hope of offering comfort to the heart that hurts.

"Fly free, Fly high, soar my sweetheart - you're not earthbound anymore...Are you everywhere - a thought, a breath, a scent, a vision of beauty, a sound?...Does your love leave a trail of laughter and joy, are you filling our hearts with comfort, our souls with peace?...You are light, you are love - you continue to live in our hearts, our souls, in the Beyond. We are connected, we are one".

(From the @Voice of Grief Golden Light Forever'mor blog post, December 3, 2015)

In this period of contemplation and reflection, Matty felt quiet. As in the past when met with silence, it was a signal that more healing work was headed my way. Last night in a journal entry, I was contemplating the difference between integration, which Matty has been guiding me to, and feeling the yearning yet impossibility of regeneration of the heart that has been tugging at the human me. I emptied my heart over what I've been pondering on this 7-year anniversary and honestly found myself standing at the edge of this moment, this very personal moment, this day that gives me pause. The From Grief to Hope group helped me arrive to the other side of today, the Blessings Side. And if I lift my eyes, the eyes of my heart and look out over the chasm to seek sight of the other edge, I see eternity—beautiful, embracing and Universal.

Last night's journal entry:

Regeneration of the heart is silenced. Evolution made it so. Still, it is a wish my heart holds; seems it would make the pain of missing less piercing. The best it can do is heal with scarring.

Integration though is like a whisper. "How to" escaped me as a newly bereaved and today it is in the silence that I can hear the whispers. They are the sounds of encouragement, Love that no longer needs a beating heart, phantom limbs extending into a new form of embrace.

Matty, I can find you in the whispers. If my mind is clouded like the fog over the Golden Gate Bridge, your whispers are like emergency beacons. Am I getting warmer, closer to insight and understanding or colder . . . moving away from soul, our spirit connection. In the silence, touching the scars of my heart whether engrossed in a past memory or the present day love, your Love channeled by your children—the whispers take on a melody. Are you singing me the song of our life? It's a tune that guides me toward integration . . . forward.

Seven years today Sweetheart. Feels so long in earthly years. Love goes on and sometimes life takes a pause. Today is a pause for me, walking through the suffering and the blessings and every January 3rd I am returned to the beginning; the awe and wonder of your birth, the awe and wonder of life, Love. The Personal and the Universal. Both needed for integration as the Universal holds the Wholeness I've been seeking while the Personal pauses to take a day to care for my physical heart. 

"Fear not, I Am with you", words from scripture and whispers from the Collective surround me. You all are part of the Universal Consciousness, the Collective that embraces Matty and I today. Wholeness and the Personal moment held by my heart, soul and spirit. Integration—Healing. Thank you so very much.

Matty, Love you Forever'mor!



 

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

FILENAME: #8Matty

 

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you

FILENAME: #8Matty

Dearest, dearest Matty:

No title for this blog post . . . is it really a blog post or are we going to have a conversation, a visit? #8 Matty—the years are adding up. It’s after Christmas and Dad and I decide to head out for a ride to the coast. Took this pic. What do I see? Shadows are in front of and not behind me. The terrain is rocky; the sky is blue. The ocean is calm after the recent storm. I see winter brush, standing naked against the landscape and evergreens that could pass for trees photographed in a milder season. There’s a contrail in the sky like a lone finger pointing, guiding the way; wisps of clouds and two anonymous people, one looking forward and one looking back. I guess the anonymous mirror me. This is what I’m doing, looking forward and back; January 3rd has that effect on me. There is a lot of symbology in this photo. I like that the shadows are looking forward. Sun to my back shining its light; unable to go through me yet the message is important and finds a way to call to me. Two shadows, I’m never alone. Two shadows, more heartwork to do. The sky so blue. I asked you sweet Matthew to teach me how to pray and you’ve led me to the re-discovery of the rosary. Not to the doctrine and dogma of my Catholic roots but to the Blessed Mother, the Virgin and the Earth—feminine energy that calls out to me, that shows me her presence. I can see Her with my physical eyes when I take in the glory of Her deeply colored sky. I feel Her through the eyes of my heart; that invisible organ that awakens my unseen senses, the ones that usher in direct communion, communication through experience. It's what is needed; open arms and the protection offered by a blue sky mantle. A rocky road and yet I’m standing and taking in this beautiful view; absorbing the feelings of the moment, a sponge, full and not quite ready to be wrung out. It’s peaceful. It’s cold without being biting and the expanse of water is limitless—like consciousness.

“A shadow is never created in darkness. It is born of light.

We can be blind to it and blinded by it. Our shadow asks us to look

at what we don’t want to see.”

Terry Tempest Williams, When Women Were Birds: Fifty-four Variations on Voice

The shadow part of the soul journey, not the easiest to walk through and yet the bounty is great and the fruitage can be harvested at many points along the way. What is my shadow trying to tell me? I hear the murmurings of the wind, I must listen with full attention as the hum is quite low, the clouds are barely moving. Patience, I gather like spiritual berries that need to be picked. Grief lives in a field of Great Mystery. There is not one destination, only layers of depth and timeless wisdom to be unearthed. My harvest is an ingathering, a within-gathering. You’ve shared much through your teachings and my learnings of divine Love.  I’ve amassed the fruits of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and generosity of spirit. All culled in divine timing and fertilized with persistence and determination. I grow in clarity and understanding as the seed planted the day your soul left this earthly incarnation blossoms into a flower “where are you?” Miracles happen—that’s what it feels like to me. Heaven on earth moments when our souls connect, the veil thins and our worlds merge. Love is powerful. An open-heart charges the atmosphere and your thoughts become my thoughts and the closeness is real, the experience is real and it’s a taste of the “elixir of eternity”. . . like the morning of May 30th, the day before your birthday this past year.

I was filled with the sounds and feels in nature and this was your perfect opportunity for a visit. My Kids Messenger app sent a notification and it was your Addy, camping for a week by the river. I want to relive this memory together; that’s what we do, make new memories you and I. Addy’s and my chat began:

Addy: Good morning 😃

Me: Good morning! Did you have a nice sleep with all of that river cool air? 😎 Feels good when the air is cool for sleeping.

Addy: I did did you have a good sleep 🛌

Me: It was grand! All the windows open. Listening to the chirping birds this morning, the buzzing bees. Soaking in life Addy. Stop for a moment Addy and look around you if you are at the river right now. Look at the  water. See the wind create ripples on its top. Next the trees. Do the leaves look like they are waving? The sun, the color of the sky are next. It's so beautiful. When we take a moment to fill our hearts with this beauty . . . we get to feel happiness, we send out a BIG THANK YOU to the beauty in nature that surrounds us. This is a very good way to start your day. Love you Sweetheart

Addy: Wow 🤩
Addy: That was amazing

Me: Have the best day my love and spread that happiness that is in your heart. 😍

Addy: Oki

Me: And the only thing you have to do is BE you, smiling, happy, kind and loving. 

Addy: Oh thank you 😊

The messenger post was a first . . . definitely a nudge from you Matty, an exercise for your special girl. Long for her to read and a lesson for her heart. Her response tells me she was feeling. My feeling lasted all day. "I AM Everything and NoThing". Yes, Matty you are. You are Love, everywhere and Addy and I know how it feels in the present, in the presence, moment by moment . . . "blending our two worlds".

Another remembering. Words delivered in the quiet and stillness of meditation years ago. “Less Hardly, More Ever”. Four words and their meanings change as you help to change me. We are hardly less separated from each other. Rather evermore connected in eternal Beingness.  From the deep, guttural cries of a Mother's heart, I found you. In the silence you waited, listened and heard the sounds of my voice of grief.  Held and embraced gently by the Love of a son in spirit, this journey to healing we walk together revealing the beauty, the awe and wonder of Life beyond life—the mysteries of grief holding uncertainties until released. A gift that continuously grows given through the whispers of Love, allowed and gratefully received by an open human heart. A blending, Spirithuman to Spirit. Together. Always.

Loved for’evermore.

Mom

Thursday, July 23, 2020

DADDY'S LOVE, HIS KISSES, HIS HUGS

Daddy & Uncle Matty, his Love lives on the Inside now


I heard the sound the ache in my heart makes when it takes a moment to cheer on the joy. Tuesday sleepovers at Gammy and Bampy’s lead to lazy Wednesdays, We look forward to the firefly shows that dazzle us through the window screens at bedtime, nature’s nightlights! Favorite breakfasts are served, there’s collaboration on the current play in production, packing up towels and snacks and a quick change into bathing suits and we are ready for the water show to begin. I’m treated to dives and jumps, twists and twirls, double rollovers and their favorite . . . the canyonball. Another word I can’t bring myself to correct. They are growing so fast, it’s a part of the past I’m bringing into my present for now. The future and change will come quickly enough. 

Love visited us today. I was taking care of all the outside things that needed to be packed up for our walk back to the house while unbeknownst to me, the kiddos were taking care of the inside. As I was stuffing my carry bag, I heard shouts of glee “Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Matty, Uncle Matty”.

When I turned to see what all the excitement was about, the sight that fell upon my physical eyes brought tears. All four were kneeling on the deck, kissing the same spot over and over. Took me a moment to compose myself. The kisses, the once babies growing like weeds, the years since they’d had the physical contact, the missing, the questions, the tears, the memories fast fading like an ‘ol Polaroid left in the sun. And then my spirit nudge. “No, No, No you are looking at a scene with your mind. Take it to the heart and tell me what you feel”. In that moment I became present with the joy, the unexpected visit from a beloved Daddy and Uncle Matty. No sadness in their hearts. Only openness and the will to receive all the Love that was being showered upon them in that moment.

“Hey, my Little Loves what have you found?” I asked. Four voices in chorus shouted back. “It’s a sign, it’s a sign!” There was a beautiful hello from heaven, a water spot in the shape of a heart. I allowed the nano-second of sorrow to pass through me and was reminded that what is seen from the outside captures a much different picture than the Truth felt from the inside.

Feeling, the experience born from heartspace. Love, the gift, the energy, the vibration that both gives and receives. It’s an invitation to unity, to remember that we are all connected through this power of Love. It runs through us like a river and when I align with the flow, I’m taking care of myself from the inside. My responsibility, my inner work, my contribution to making change. Working on my Love, giving and receiving. I’m happy I was brought into their circle. They created a new memory that is rubbing-in worthy, a beautiful grief tool passed on by a friend. When you want to remember, feel and rub it into your heart. Love will recall it when you need it most.

Meet me in the heart. . . anytime.


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Sunday, May 31, 2020

MY SONSHINES—MY BOYS OF MAY



Only from the heart can you touch the sky ~ Rumi

My Dearest Boys,
A different celebration of my Boys of May this year. The Covid-19 stay-at-home orders are keeping us apart, no physical sharing of the must have Carvel “Birthday Cake” today. Postponed for a bit and serving up memories and introspection instead. Visited Matty’s sacred space in our backyard this morning where some of his ashes have been strewn over the graves of his beloved pups. It was as it he cleared a path through the woods for my walk down memory lane. I’m usually greeted by fallen branches, brush that needs to be reigned in to get through, and a seasonal stream that demands navigation. This morning, I walked on a carpet of leaves accompanied by nothing other than the voiceless sounds of nature. The leaves felt soft and luxurious and gave way to a slight sinking into feeling with every step. Sinking into—that feeling when my mind joins my heartspace. I was sinking into the years of love our family has given and received to and from each other and this backyard woodland. The yellow-green color of spring leaves, the rustling whispers or their roar before a storm. The shade and coolness inviting us to sit in silence when we needed a close by get-away. The imagination allowed to run wild with the wonderings of the story held by the ancient stone wall. The mosquitoes, black flies and no-see-ums must have been given a directive as they were nowhere to be seen.

I spent some time clearing the stones and when the past rushed in and left through my eyes, my heart gave me a squeeze for the unanticipated moment of emotion. I thought about how pain and joy cross through each other and with a sigh, turned around to head back to the house. I was stopped in my tracks by two trees, growing side by side—I looked up and saw symbols of you twomy boys, together, shoulder to shoulder sharing a conversation meant only for your ears and hearts. My view was framed by the sun shining through your canopies—my Sonshines, my boys of May deeply rooted in Love, growing toward the Light, inseparable, filling my heart with the fullness granted to me on your birth days.

The year 2020 may have ushered in a different feel in the atmosphere . . . but not in our hearts. Love lives. Happy Birthdays Jason & Matty.

Love forevermore my Geminis `.
Mom

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Sunday, May 10, 2020

Finding Comfort in the Uncomfortable


 The contrasts . . . showing up in words!
Prepping to sit down and write this blog post when the Less Hardly poster comes to mind. I never quite understood what Spirit’s message was until it was time for me to—and then the message is revealed.

I am being touched by the unknown in this pandemic. When thoughts and mind seek refuge in the heart, the joining disempowers fear . . . not dispels, as this emotion is a part of my human condition. I am once again searching for the comfort in uncomfortable, that sacred space within where I can find my equilibrium, my balance between two opposing feelings until that time-of-ready where Spirit resumes my march forward.

Love greets the unity of heart and mind and I am spared the frenetic-thoughts generated by fear. I carry this joining a step further and in complete willingness, I align my heart with Source/Spirit/God/Love. In a now wholehearted relationship, a direct connection with Spirit, I experience a harmonizing in fear—a less hardly feeling of anxiety and worry as guidance received from Spirit is more ever with me, releasing the reaction to fear that once kept my mind captive. What I once considered a baser of emotions, I discover emotions do not have a need to be categorized and these emotions are hardly less important for the growth of my soul than Love is for its evolution. It is much easier to return to this state of heart alignment knowing that I am evermore within reach of the One that is always with me . . . and so continues my journey to healing. A soul journey where today a play on words received in 2019 are now mirrored back to me and in reflection, carry a new meaning.

Words. A love of mine. A lover of words has its own special word—a logophile. Words throughout my life (a'ha moment here) I've collected like little treasures. They are my rock collection, my coin collection or like any other collectible one finds interesting. Why do we collect things? Well for one, my word collection makes me happy. I’m able to experience unexpected moments of joy when I come across a word that engages a few of my five senses.

I have a collection of words of world places simply because I like the way the sounds roll off my tongue when pronounced and the way they hit my ear as if a musical note . . . Kuala Lumpur, Apalachicola, Sebastopol. My favorite foreign word—one word used to describe a complex emotion—schaudenfreude. I believe this word needs time for reflection as part of my spiritual journey and deserves a #750 word contemplation as I parse through the feelings opposing the norm elicited by this descriptive, and learning more about myself in the process. Epicaricacy, its English counterpart . . . not so fond of! 

Mispronunciation and misreading. There is a good chance that new memories are in the making during these times. Family togetherness, when we are truly in relationship with one another—listening, loving. One of my favorites comes from a young Matty, misreading an outdoor patio sign at a local restaurant we were lunching at. “The topatio” (toe.pa.tay.o), he proudly announced is where he’d like to sit . . . to patio this way, read the sign! To this day whenever the family sees outside seating, it continues to be called the topatio. Spanakopita, or better know to our clan as spank-a-pita, always brings a smile and a wonderful memory; a warmth to my heart of a special time when more love was coming into our family. Or the love of listening to a child recite the ABC's for their first time. Learning letters that will later be constructed into words. Made for the heart words that go years without correction as toddlers begin to speak their version of ad-adult language— lellow, nemember, a'cation, anoculars.

Word play. I use words to create a visual, a metaphor through and not over the hardchips I come across on my path. Yes, this too came from Spirit. I was typing the word hardships, a typo turned into a mini-moment of reflection and a flow of words came next to help define. They are heart chips, little nicks taken from the heart when met with obstacles, challenges, setbacks. Nicks from the heart recognized by my grit, tenacity and perseverance. Nicks leaving enough space for fear and doubt to enter and disrupt the virtues of trust and belief. Little pieces waiting for clarity and understanding, a return to the whole teaching me patience—biding time until my soul journey calls out that the time is right, here and now.  I pick up a piece, a nick and embrace it. I thank it for its patient waiting. I hold it and examine it and turn it over to see all sides and angles. I ask “what will you be teaching me” and this week the answer is “the birth of judgement”. 

When I'm trying to personalize, get my arms around, embrace—a concept, feelings, emotions—when I need a greater understanding, I give them a tighter embrace. They, the unknown, spring from small letters to capitalized letters when they’ve found a place in my heart and reverence for their teachings.

The soul journey, finding comfort in the uncomfortable is a much needed examination of the inner me, revealing more of Me. Talking about, sharing, hearing, listening, taking words turned into stories and placing them into the heart for safekeeping, these soul journeys of mine and others. There exists a need to find the comfort in the uncomfortable when speaking of this topic. It arrives clothed in vulnerability. The dialogue may feel less than natural at the start, angst filled until my Brave steps forward to take my hand—intimacy recognized by soul. Hiding, compartmentalizing, running from the feelings, the conversations rob me of the opportunity to perhaps gain a shift in perception with the possibility leading to a change in perspective. When I dig deeper, I get closer to answering the question “Who am I?”

Spiritual word play, I hold great appreciation and a zeal as this is how Spirit/Soul my awareness of Christ-consciousness allows me to tap into the pool of universal Wisdom. What does this all mean? More healing, more soul remembering. The soul journey is a journey of re-memory-ing. I am born with an open-ended invitation to connect with the Great Mystery and in my rsvp of yes, I am choosing presence in alignment, union, and relationship. The wisdom held in the soul, in union with all souls makes itself known to my consciousness. I will meet my two selves; myself and mySelf on this journey. I will learn about myself, soul at birth—my humanspirit; and my soul in alignment—my Spirithuman. A simple reversal of words and a complete reversal of how I live my life forward.

My heart chips will be reunited through this process and glued together by Love. It all comes back to Love. I learned about the role of contact tracing during this pandemic; finding each covid-19 patient and their interactions since infection. My journey will undertake a bit of spiritual tracing, how everything can be traced back to Love and held together by Love.

Words are my friends and at other times in my life, when I’ve come face to face with uncomfortable topics, a topic such as Grief—where people not knowing how to begin their search in finding the comfort in the uncomfortable feel a new heart chip. The lack of words hurt, the non-acknowledgement of my grief, my loss has left me with a feeling of not belonging, set apart from the rest, isolated in mourning.

There are many unknowns that will emerge from the pandemic we are living through. I can only speak to my experience, and grief and mourning fall into the category of knowns. What part can I play as I observe the stay-at-home order with self-love for my weakened immune system and love for others with health conditions? I can use my words and share what is coming from my heart today. Perhaps shed light on the empathy and compassion needed to help one heal from the loss and tragedy that occurs daily. I witness kindness and compassion exhibited from small acts, to collective acts to great acts of collaboration. I also observe the difficulty of acceptance and believability in others who will unfortunately gain an understanding of trauma, grief, and loss when it seeks them out personally.

My heart breaks for the tragedy of this all. I have found my comfort in the uncomfortable in speaking about the feelings and emotions associated with trauma, loss and death. My heart aches for the segment of the population entering their journey into grief and mourning. Our death-averse culture places enormous uncomfortable-ness atop acts of active grieving and mourning as well as a lack of comfort when it finds itself in daily conversation. How do we choose which 10 family members can attend a viewing of a spouse, parent, child or sibling? How does having to put off services for months allow an organic start to the healing process? What happens when pain is un-acknowledged? How do we offer emotional support when one does not know what to say or where to begin?

We have tests to determine whether the virus is active, inactive or asymptomatic in individuals. Is there a test for our hearts? Our souls hold a limitless capacity for Love. What about a test measuring the heart for positive, negative or asymptomatic symptoms complete with guidelines and a level of supportive care allowing for an expansion of empathy—allowing it to flow into compassion, an emotion requiring action? Giving and receiving—two halves of a whole. The test results are invisible yet measurable by reaction to emotion. They show positive, negative or asymptomatic according to the feelings that emanate from the heart. The test could be as simple as becoming aware of your heart when one learns of, hears or reads about another’s grief and mourning. The medicine, read an article daily, take time to listen to someone’s story. Let’s engage our hearts and participate in the conversation, helping in the healing process of a fellow soul, one soul at a time.

I am beginning to see the Love that sits beneath judgement with or through my heart eyes. The acceptance that I Am humanspirit with moments of Spirithuman as my process of transformation continues. As I peel the onion to get to the core of myself, to feel every part of every emotion and observe my reactions until there are none; I will be a part of this conversation. Herein lies the lesson . . . the need to feel in order to see from the heart. Thoughts delivered to the heart, joined in seeking answers, buttressing the heart of humanity, finding unity. Thank you Spirit for this lesson orchestrated through my passion for word play.

“Sometimes, reaching out and taking someone's hand is the beginning of a journey.
At other times, it is allowing another to take yours.”
Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration