Matthew Laurent Allard "Matty"
I was given a beautiful gift of remembrance today that brings back into the light Matty's inspired words "When we don't have the words, we have the Love". As I've sat in the silence these last few years with no audible words to share yet guided by Love on this my journey to healing, the Soul Journey part. Today feels like the close of this silent chapter and the opening of another filled with sound. A grief group I belong to From Grief toHope, a private group so I will not be sharing their gift to me, yet the message received from Matty came in loud and clear. They held me in Love and brought me back to the year of Matty's passing—2015 and some of his inspired words from the Voice of Grief blog. These I share in the hope of offering comfort to the heart that hurts.
"Fly free, Fly high, soar my sweetheart - you're not earthbound anymore...Are you everywhere - a thought, a breath, a scent, a vision of beauty, a sound?...Does your love leave a trail of laughter and joy, are you filling our hearts with comfort, our souls with peace?...You are light, you are love - you continue to live in our hearts, our souls, in the Beyond. We are connected, we are one".
(From the @Voice of Grief Golden Light Forever'mor blog post, December 3, 2015)
In this period of contemplation and reflection, Matty felt quiet. As in the past when met with silence, it was a signal that more healing work was headed my way. Last night in a journal entry, I was contemplating the difference between integration, which Matty has been guiding me to, and feeling the yearning yet impossibility of regeneration of the heart that has been tugging at the human me. I emptied my heart over what I've been pondering on this 7-year anniversary and honestly found myself standing at the edge of this moment, this very personal moment, this day that gives me pause. The From Grief to Hope group helped me arrive to the other side of today, the Blessings Side. And if I lift my eyes, the eyes of my heart and look out over the chasm to seek sight of the other edge, I see eternity—beautiful, embracing and Universal.
Last night's journal entry:
Regeneration of the heart is silenced. Evolution made it so. Still, it is a wish my heart holds; seems it would make the pain of missing less piercing. The best it can do is heal with scarring.
Integration though is like a whisper. "How to" escaped me as a newly bereaved and today it is in the silence that I can hear the whispers. They are the sounds of encouragement, Love that no longer needs a beating heart, phantom limbs extending into a new form of embrace.
Matty, I can find you in the whispers. If my mind is clouded like the fog over the Golden Gate Bridge, your whispers are like emergency beacons. Am I getting warmer, closer to insight and understanding or colder . . . moving away from soul, our spirit connection. In the silence, touching the scars of my heart whether engrossed in a past memory or the present day love, your Love channeled by your children—the whispers take on a melody. Are you singing me the song of our life? It's a tune that guides me toward integration . . . forward.
Seven years today Sweetheart. Feels so long in earthly years. Love goes on and sometimes life takes a pause. Today is a pause for me, walking through the suffering and the blessings and every January 3rd I am returned to the beginning; the awe and wonder of your birth, the awe and wonder of life, Love. The Personal and the Universal. Both needed for integration as the Universal holds the Wholeness I've been seeking while the Personal pauses to take a day to care for my physical heart.
"Fear not, I Am with you", words from scripture and whispers from the Collective surround me. You all are part of the Universal Consciousness, the Collective that embraces Matty and I today. Wholeness and the Personal moment held by my heart, soul and spirit. Integration—Healing. Thank you so very much.
Matty, Love you Forever'mor!
