REMEMBERTING MATTY ON HIS 7TH ANNIVERSARY

Matthew Laurent Allard "Matty"

I was given a beautiful gift of remembrance today that brings back into the light Matty's inspired words "When we don't have the words, we have the Love". As I've sat in the silence these last few years with no audible words to share yet guided by Love on this my journey to healing, the Soul Journey part. Today feels like the close of this silent chapter and the opening of another filled with sound. A grief group I belong to From Grief toHope, a private group so I will not be sharing their gift to me, yet the message received from Matty came in loud and clear. They held me in Love and brought me back to the year of Matty's passing—2015 and some of his inspired words from the Voice of Grief blog. These I share in the hope of offering comfort to the heart that hurts.

"Fly free, Fly high, soar my sweetheart - you're not earthbound anymore...Are you everywhere - a thought, a breath, a scent, a vision of beauty, a sound?...Does your love leave a trail of laughter and joy, are you filling our hearts with comfort, our souls with peace?...You are light, you are love - you continue to live in our hearts, our souls, in the Beyond. We are connected, we are one".

(From the @Voice of Grief Golden Light Forever'mor blog post, December 3, 2015)

In this period of contemplation and reflection, Matty felt quiet. As in the past when met with silence, it was a signal that more healing work was headed my way. Last night in a journal entry, I was contemplating the difference between integration, which Matty has been guiding me to, and feeling the yearning yet impossibility of regeneration of the heart that has been tugging at the human me. I emptied my heart over what I've been pondering on this 7-year anniversary and honestly found myself standing at the edge of this moment, this very personal moment, this day that gives me pause. The From Grief to Hope group helped me arrive to the other side of today, the Blessings Side. And if I lift my eyes, the eyes of my heart and look out over the chasm to seek sight of the other edge, I see eternity—beautiful, embracing and Universal.

Last night's journal entry:

Regeneration of the heart is silenced. Evolution made it so. Still, it is a wish my heart holds; seems it would make the pain of missing less piercing. The best it can do is heal with scarring.

Integration though is like a whisper. "How to" escaped me as a newly bereaved and today it is in the silence that I can hear the whispers. They are the sounds of encouragement, Love that no longer needs a beating heart, phantom limbs extending into a new form of embrace.

Matty, I can find you in the whispers. If my mind is clouded like the fog over the Golden Gate Bridge, your whispers are like emergency beacons. Am I getting warmer, closer to insight and understanding or colder . . . moving away from soul, our spirit connection. In the silence, touching the scars of my heart whether engrossed in a past memory or the present day love, your Love channeled by your children—the whispers take on a melody. Are you singing me the song of our life? It's a tune that guides me toward integration . . . forward.

Seven years today Sweetheart. Feels so long in earthly years. Love goes on and sometimes life takes a pause. Today is a pause for me, walking through the suffering and the blessings and every January 3rd I am returned to the beginning; the awe and wonder of your birth, the awe and wonder of life, Love. The Personal and the Universal. Both needed for integration as the Universal holds the Wholeness I've been seeking while the Personal pauses to take a day to care for my physical heart. 

"Fear not, I Am with you", words from scripture and whispers from the Collective surround me. You all are part of the Universal Consciousness, the Collective that embraces Matty and I today. Wholeness and the Personal moment held by my heart, soul and spirit. Integration—Healing. Thank you so very much.

Matty, Love you Forever'mor!

 

FILENAME: #8Matty

 

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you

FILENAME: #8Matty

Dearest, dearest Matty:

No title for this blog post . . . is it really a blog post or are we going to have a conversation, a visit? #8 Matty—the years are adding up. It’s after Christmas and Dad and I decide to head out for a ride to the coast. Took this pic. What do I see? Shadows are in front of and not behind me. The terrain is rocky; the sky is blue. The ocean is calm after the recent storm. I see winter brush, standing naked against the landscape and evergreens that could pass for trees photographed in a milder season. There’s a contrail in the sky like a lone finger pointing, guiding the way; wisps of clouds and two anonymous people, one looking forward and one looking back. I guess the anonymous mirror me. This is what I’m doing, looking forward and back; January 3^rd has that effect on me. There is a lot of symbology in this photo. I like that the shadows are looking forward. Sun to my back shining its light; unable to go through me yet the message is important and finds a way to call to me. Two shadows, I’m never alone. Two shadows, more heartwork to do. The sky so blue. I asked you sweet Matthew to teach me how to pray and you’ve led me to the re-discovery of the rosary. Not to the doctrine and dogma of my Catholic roots but to the Blessed Mother, the Virgin and the Earth—feminine energy that calls out to me, that shows me her presence. I can see Her with my physical eyes when I take in the glory of Her deeply colored sky. I feel Her through the eyes of my heart; that invisible organ that awakens my unseen senses, the ones that usher in direct communion, communication through experience. It's what is needed; open arms and the protection offered by a blue sky mantle. A rocky road and yet I’m standing and taking in this beautiful view; absorbing the feelings of the moment, a sponge, full and not quite ready to be wrung out. It’s peaceful. It’s cold without being biting and the expanse of water is limitless—like consciousness.

“A shadow is never created in darkness. It is born of light.

We can be blind to it and blinded by it. Our shadow asks us to look

at what we don’t want to see.”

Terry Tempest Williams, When Women Were Birds: Fifty-four Variations on Voice

The shadow part of the soul journey, not the easiest to walk through and yet the bounty is great and the fruitage can be harvested at many points along the way. What is my shadow trying to tell me? I hear the murmurings of the wind, I must listen with full attention as the hum is quite low, the clouds are barely moving. Patience, I gather like spiritual berries that need to be picked. Grief lives in a field of Great Mystery. There is not one destination, only layers of depth and timeless wisdom to be unearthed. My harvest is an ingathering, a within-gathering. You’ve shared much through your teachings and my learnings of divine Love.  I’ve amassed the fruits of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and generosity of spirit. All culled in divine timing and fertilized with persistence and determination. I grow in clarity and understanding as the seed planted the day your soul left this earthly incarnation blossoms into a flower “where are you?” Miracles happen—that’s what it feels like to me. Heaven on earth moments when our souls connect, the veil thins and our worlds merge. Love is powerful. An open-heart charges the atmosphere and your thoughts become my thoughts and the closeness is real, the experience is real and it’s a taste of the “elixir of eternity”. . . like the morning of May 30^th, the day before your birthday this past year.

I was filled with the sounds and feels in nature and this was your perfect opportunity for a visit. My Kids Messenger app sent a notification and it was your Addy, camping for a week by the river. I want to relive this memory together; that’s what we do, make new memories you and I. Addy’s and my chat began:

Addy: Good morning 😃

Me: Good morning! Did you have a nice sleep with all of that river cool air? 😎 Feels good when the air is cool for sleeping.

Addy: I did did you have a good sleep 🛌

Me: It was grand! All the windows open. Listening to the chirping birds this morning, the buzzing bees. Soaking in life Addy. Stop for a moment Addy and look around you if you are at the river right now. Look at the  water. See the wind create ripples on its top. Next the trees. Do the leaves look like they are waving? The sun, the color of the sky are next. It's so beautiful. When we take a moment to fill our hearts with this beauty . . . we get to feel happiness, we send out a BIG THANK YOU to the beauty in nature that surrounds us. This is a very good way to start your day. Love you Sweetheart ❤

Addy: Wow 🤩
Addy: That was amazing

Me: Have the best day my love and spread that happiness that is in your heart. 😍

Addy: Oki

Me: And the only thing you have to do is BE you, smiling, happy, kind and loving.  ❤

Addy: Oh thank you 😊

The messenger post was a first . . . definitely a nudge from you Matty, an exercise for your special girl. Long for her to read and a lesson for her heart. Her response tells me she was feeling. My feeling lasted all day. "I AM Everything and NoThing". Yes, Matty you are. You are Love, everywhere and Addy and I know how it feels in the present, in the presence, moment by moment . . . "blending our two worlds".

Another remembering. Words delivered in the quiet and stillness of meditation years ago. “Less Hardly, More Ever”. Four words and their meanings change as you help to change me. We are hardly less separated from each other. Rather evermore connected in eternal Beingness.  From the deep, guttural cries of a Mother's heart, I found you. In the silence you waited, listened and heard the sounds of my voice of grief.  Held and embraced gently by the Love of a son in spirit, this journey to healing we walk together revealing the beauty, the awe and wonder of Life beyond life—the mysteries of grief holding uncertainties until released. A gift that continuously grows given through the whispers of Love, allowed and gratefully received by an open human heart. A blending, Spirithuman to Spirit. Together. Always.

Loved for’evermore.

Mom