10th Heavenly Birthday—the Gift.

 

Dearest Matty,

PRAYER OF THE HEART

Love Divine, Breath of Life

Beloved Child guide me home

Open my heart to

Awaken my awareness

Let me feel your presence

In Love outside of time

This has been my prayer of the heart, an invitation for you to join me over the time and space of your last ten birthdays, and the days in between. A prayer whispered when I asked the questions: how do you reach me; how do I reach you? The answers came in silence, no words . . . simply in energy, feelings felt. “Birthday” takes on a different meaning this year. It holds the embrace of a divine significance as you have brought me full circle to a New Birth . . .  a spiritual birth, guiding me and celebrating the remembrance of soul.

Are you answering me, Matty?

A mist that once covered

Becomes a new portal

A meeting place . . . spiritual

Where Unity and Wholeness reign

Learning a new language

Visiting across the veil

 

As I take a heartwalk down Memory Lane Matty, I recognize your Love then and now as a joining by a word/name not yet known to me. You lived Love, and in your passing from one world to the next, my heart feels and my soul tells me this is how I continue to see you . . .  in the joining. You spoke the Language of Love with your great big bear hugs, a physical symbol that spoke volumes: "you mean something to me", "I value you", "my heart touches your heart", "we are equals". Your intimacy, your strength, your legacy. Love. Love alive. And the words finally come, you show me the way—Love outside of time.

 

Neither of us are in need of material gifts in celebrating birthdays any more, yet spiritual gifts—these are the gifts that ‘keep on giving’. Is this the meaning behind the statement ‘giving and receiving are the same—are one’?

 

“In Love outside of time” is a line recently added to my prayer invitation. My gift to you this birthday is to return your gift of Love, give it back—deliver it to the Universe in remembrance of the Love you gathered. Matthew, you left behind your Love in the hearts of many here, a guiding light for we who desire to seek deeper understanding . . . experiencing the joy and peace in connections . . . in joining, in moments of heaven and eternity forged. Love outside of time.

 

What does this mean to me? Love outside of time?  A meeting place, you say;  communicating through a new language? It is signs and synchronicities, the initial layers of communication; stories shared through dialogue—a deeper level experienced, known or not, unaware or awareness waiting in the sidelines of divine timing for the release of this moment that will reenter ordinary time and give pause once again. It is faith grappling with truth and doubt until met by an encounter so beautifully resonate, it catches the breath and gives way to heart’s tears. This is the soul’s Love language. Allowing beauty to reenter the heart space. A wordless language understood through translation to feeling when a moment in ordinary time imprints, welcomes Presence with no need for human recollection as the soul gracefully stores a moment of Remembrance . . . until . . .  that moment when the measure of time fades and bows to the state of Awareness—where soul guides the human to simply Be and from the archive of memories, guidance accepts the call for retrieval when needed. These moments in life, in childhood for example, when a very old memory rises to the surface 50 years later; it is that fluid moment in time recalled to help with recognition of a present day event; awareness of a new moment now seen from the unseen, yet today is the first time I understand that this ‘knowing but not knowing’ has always been with me. Ancestors, angels and guides with me always nudging thoughts joining with the heart for a future needed purpose. My grandmother’s words after you died, telling me that God loans us our children. I felt my Memere’s presence nearly 10 years ago, and it brought so much comfort through the sadness. I knew I was not walking this path alone. She was very familiar with child loss, having had her heart broken three times. Remembrances awakened. A story shared. A spirit nudge to others in conversation and their memories of time gone by begin the rise back to the surface for their own healing—unseen and unknown until it becomes the knowing and the known. What are the things felt and unseen? What would I see if I could see the wind? A friend asked “can you fall in love with Love”? Whatwould I see if I could see Love? What would I see when the heart feels a kiss? What if the wind swirled from an earthly river bed from the ground and rivers were suspended in mid-air and made a rushing, whooshing sound? It is hard to say Goodbye. . . so you and I are going to say a new Hello! Love outside of time.

Are you here? Are you there? This meeting place is the in-between, Love flowing from the imaginal realm between incarnate and discarnate energies. A union of spiritual forces through a holy relationship, like ours my dear, or any parent and child, any beloved where embodied and disembodied beings come together in a space beyond physical boundaries, in alignment with Love Divine. Love outside of time.

I’ve felt the reality that Love never dies.  It began as a yearning, deep and powerful with No Name that took up residence in my heart with a longing to meet my soul, to remember the “WHY” I am here, to discover “WHO” I truly am outside of the relationships I hold to being a wife, a mother, daughter, sister and friend. Who am I in relation to this Universal Source that goes by many names and holds an underlying mystery revealed to seekers in this life incarnate? I needed to unearth and understand the One Truth shared by all humanity regardless of differences.  I desperately hoped this mystery revealed would bring me healing and peace after the tragedy of  your passing—your death. The one thing I was certain of, was that this love for you and you for us my child, was so powerful it could not have been extinguished and left in your physical body, the body that no longer worked. I needed to find you in whatever form that would be!

I did the only thing I knew to do—I cried out from an ache so deep and raw and asked you to help me. Love was the cornerstone, the lift-off point to a journey I knew nothing about.

The learning came in layers over the years and the golden nugget was received in April of this year 2024 in a waking dream—a way to experience these beautiful, moments of joining in a realm outside of space and time; Heaven on Earth moments when a glimpse of eternity is revealed.  “Dreams have often been the silent couriers of The New”.  (Mirari by Mari Perron, receiver of A Course of Love) Ours certainly ring true and have stories of their own to tell, for another time though. The unrecognized moments of a call, an invitation to presence are “less hardly” distinguishable from other moments until the pause in the moment creates this FEELING, leading to the understanding that memories, moments of past presence have been and are “more ever” with us, guided by Spirit. Connecting the past MOMENT with the awareness that the present moment is calling for, a moment of pause and the realization that the pause stills ordinal time, the recognition that this is MY special moment,  MY CALLING, MY INVITATION of blending with, in relationship with you in spirit, when two become One. Wholeness. A moment of Heaven on Earth. This was a Cosmic Miracle. New memories are being made and will continue. Love outside of time.

Why now? Why speak of this on your earthly birthday? Because of this newfound miracle in communication, communion.  I believe we were called to a purpose, you and I; an invitation from Source to work from one  to the other; to commune through a new language, a language of feelings. The New. Our work is an active partnership, yet I needed to take on the roles of observer and participant before I was able to see our contract come to life. The road was long and winding. If I didn’t know myself, how could I possibly expect to know you in Spirit?

There was a theme to the lessons presented in becoming aware of Love outside of time, and hindsight has helped me to connect the dots. Hands became the symbol of these communications. Your first inspiration received in a moment of contemplation “when blind belief and faith force me to pause, my soul stirs and I am sent a vision of ‘Hands’ of Hope, of Trust. Beautiful hands extended . . . “if I ask for help, if only I ask”! Climbing the rungs on the ladder of Love outside of time.

You, my Sweet Spirit Boy have touched Love and with all the guidance I’ve received, I have touched Being. Together in this new relationship, we have touched Love Being; the spiritual melding of Love Divine—your acceptance and mine in Being Love. The One Truth. Blessed Mama calls it an invitation to The New; co-creating—an expansion of the continuous evolution of Love.

Duality, paradox? Is there a beginning, middle, end? Ends are mirrors of reflections so similar that one end cannot recognize where it ends and another beginning forms. Without recognition, without a pause—I’m left in darkness, chaos, no entry for light.  A pause leads to recognition through contemplation. Every new entry is a portal into The New; more clarity achieved, greater understanding gained and insight and wisdom received, allowing light to enter arriving at the crossroad to creating a journey, The New—a way of divine alignment, living Heaven on Earth moments being Love. Expanding compassion and empathy, the return of joy, peace, comfort and living life from the inside out.

I now know that the journey does not end with the experience. The experience must be expressed to continue on the path to healing.

Your story, my story, our story will be told soon. These revelations would not have been possible without the Love and support of my 3M and DreamWorks friends. Tales of wonder for another day! Sparks ignited, connections shared, awareness awakened leads to the path of understanding. The beauty of an open heart rests in all of the unseen possibilities allowing a place to enter, tapping into that THING that we all possess, unseen and unknown ‘til it is. Love outside of time.

I will close with a birthday wish for both of us. Happy Heavenly Birthday Matthew, celebrating your old and Happy New Birth to me, in celebration of my new spiritual birth. With a new birth comes a new perspective for me. Rather than looking for the measure of my worth, I will look for the for that marker which makes me, Me. What is my authenticity? Who am I now? I want to live fully, deeply, authentically, and allow your received wisdom to be shared as inspiration for others who prefer to walk “the road less traveled”.

 

“In order for my story to BEcome my story, it first must circle back to the beginning and hindsight allowed to BE the role of Narrator to the Audience of the Heart. This is "my word made flesh" moment, my moment of contribution to growing Consciousness  . . . Evolution of Soul/Spirit . . . to sharing . . . to healing”.

Matty Inspired

Forever & evermore,

Mom

Love's Healing

Rereading old words, answering questions and hearing different answers. What is the answer to the longings of my soul?

There are nuggets of wisdom strewn along the path, visible only with spirit eyes, audible only through spirit ears. The world is my oreo and I’ll explain:

“Yes your Earth is undergoing great change. I wish you to know that there is a counterpart to each physical manifestation of God’s Creation. That counterpart within you is called the spirit body. The counterpart of your globe, your Earth, also has what you may call a spirit body, an energetic reflection that is the true manifestation of God’s Creation. Like your physical body and your spirit body, you respond and react within that energetic envelope which is your spirit body. This in time, manifests upon your physical body.”

https://soultruth.ca/contemporary-messages/messages-sorted-year/messages-2021/earth-changes-af-9-apr-2021/

I read words and deliver them to my heart. With a clearer understanding, they are returned and newly imprinted. The wisdom is always from spirit and at times the translator, the human me—the small ‘s’ self me forgets that the interpretation comes through my spirit body, the BIG ‘S’ Self, as it awaits the awakening of soul.

Who am I? What is soul , what is spirit? I pose the questions. Answers come from Matty, words flow in the form of a metaphor. “Think of an oreo cookie. Two pieces of chocolate cookie holding a creamy, sweet center.” If I take another peek at that oreo cookie after reading and contemplating the above channeled message, the oreo cookie is helping me see wisdom’s nugget needing to be picked up from the path. One side of the cookie represents the physical me and the other the spirit counterpart. The beautiful creamy center is my soul/spirit. How do I respond and/or react to the creamy center that is calling my name? Do I respond from my spirit body, recalling pre-birth memories of the plan for this incarnation—a longing? The beauty in the joy that a simple and ordinary cookie, a whole cookie evokes or do I react from one of my natural five senses and allow the cookie to trigger a mouth watering response in anticipation? A response from the mind without the benefit of heart—instant gustatory gratification without necessarily leading to satisfaction or fulfillment—leaving me with a wanting for more.

The longing, soul's whisper creates a momentary pause adding dimension to this example. As I experience an A’Ha moment, I hear Matty’s voice “Hey Mom, this is not my first Oreo”! His Spirit makes me laugh out loud as his personality comes through loud and clear.

The chocolate and the sweet cream center are each individual known tastes. The blending of the dark and the light tastes differently than if I deconstructed the cookie and ate each part separately. I can respond with a pause and a remembering before the bite. My human and spirit bodies working together—in relationship, joining—in harmony seeking Union in the divine taste of Wholeness. Love's happiness. Sweet healing in a bite.

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In-Sighs, Breaths of Expression for the Soul

 

A holy moment in grief is experiencing life with the insight of spirit. Insight of spirit—inner sight, intuition, guidance; the flashes of insight, the a'ha moments, the moments of clarity and understanding. In-sighs—internal, audible breaths within heard by the soul . . . those moments where your heart feels it has been given a new set of eyes. You are seeing and feeling and imprinting this moment at the same time. Not one before the other making way for the next. All together, present time moments happening in that realm of connection between spirit and form.

A'ha moments bringing me back to the excitement felt during my first elementary school volcano and lava project—that moment when baking soda is added and there is a sudden, instant change. Awe and wonder! It’s that magical moment in making homemade caramel when the butter and sugars react, bubble up and the content in the pot is now a lighter color. It’s moments I’m left with a dropped jaw and an open mouth. I may or may not have understood immediately the "how" . . . not important at this juncture, but I do know these EXPERIENCES left a definite impression on me. 

These lightbulb moments may create a pause that leave one with something that stays with, to be recalled sometimes at the oddest of times, maybe years later. As my soul journey to healing, to wholeness progresses, an insight of clarity or understanding may come in a flash. Both ways have changed me. In the pause, hindsight offers a reveal when the heart is ready to receive. The a'ha moment reveals a glimpse of a panoramic view, an elevated view that allows one to climb over the roadblock, take the right turn at a crossroad; a change in perception, a new perspective allowing living forward. This is a shift. A joyous, wondrous shift. There are also shifts that have walked me back a few paces. They've arrived as moments of learning, teaching me patience, bringing me to a deeper level of trust. Showing me that life is not swallowed up in one big gulp and neither is grief. Sips allow the body its healing time needed for absorbing and processing. Grief can feel like a dehydrated state of the heart, an organ in need of healing. In the process of absorbing and processing, the miracle of awareness is awakened—that time when spirit whispers to soul: "I am with you always". The heartwork of grief, the journey to healing—learning to embrace it all.

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"Welcome, Christmas (Fah Who Doraze)"

“Christmas Day will always be. Just as long as we have we.”

Dearest Matthew,

I must admit I was feeling a bit off this Christmas and holiday season. I had misplaced my warm embrace. My open heart was a bit guarded and my open arms were lying by my side. It was the perfect year for a Grinch Tree.

We have a tradition of our own, the Grands and I. We begin our evening wearing matching pj's, decorating the tree while retelling stories of our favorite ornaments, figuring out whose turn it is to set the Brooklyn Atlantic Avenue Santa atop our Christmas tree, and we end the evening with a holiday movie. Elf usually wins! The Mystery Surprise for me was the year all four looped arms, faced the tree and sang Welcome Christmas Fah Who Doraze. The month of December and preparations for Christmas pose challenges for me. Regardless of the healing, the joy felt and misplaced, the peace that comes and goes, the procrastination that directs the traffic of my heart, these Littles placed a pause squarely in my center. Yes, they are the reason a tree goes up and celebration ensues.

I changed things up a bit this year. We are going to celebrate the true meaning of a "Whoville" Christmas. The pj's are Grinch-themed, the movie is "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" and the focus on presents is replaced by Blessings. What are they? Where do they live? How do you touch them . . . give and receive them? Why Blessings? I felt you with me Matty as our story starts to take shape.

BUT, before I continue, a bit of a blessings back story. We've been working with the concept since this past summer's time at Gammy Camp. The topic continues to enter into quite a few of our conversations. On this Eve of Christmas Eve — scene change:

I had picked the kids up from school and we were on the road again. I started to go at a green light then paused assessing a less-than-safe action by an oncoming driver. The driver behind us toots their horn and out of a very disquieted mouth of babes, I hear: "You're probably going to bless him Gammy. I'm not going to bless someone if I'm being attacked".

. . . and here is where I shout out to you Matty, all Angels and Ancestors, that higher energy of the Divine Collective for some quick help in the form of a reply to that statement uttered in conviction, as one continues to escape me! The sound immediately gives rise to Bear's hair standing on end. A thought, a nudge and a lo and behold moment presents itself. A discussion ensues about our reactions to the sound of a horn blowing. Bear's is annoyance and anger and Gammy's is giving the other driver a bit of grace for not knowing what is happening in their life, this day, at this moment. One reaction creates agitation, an alarm and the other, a calmness and an opportunity to give a blessing, danger averted. The driver takes the turn as we do and heads in the same direction. He's traveling behind us at a very safe distance with no incidence whatsoever of erratic, aggressive driving. The lesson learned here is an awareness of differing reactions to the same occurrence and leaves Bear's comment in the category of "foundation lain with still more to come".  A horn toot—a sound that brought us all to the present moment and to a dialogue that allowed for open-hearted expressions.

Back to our sleepover and in anticipation of a surprise to come. I ask and they give me their undivided attention as they squeeze together on the loveseat, I continue. "Blessings are gifts of the purest energy . . . LOVE, love that lives in our hearts. God is where Love begins. We can find Blessings when we connect with our hearts. How do we connect? By being quiet for a moment. By paying attention to our breath, that slows down the chatter in our minds. Then, when we feel that breath in our heart space, we ask in prayer to God, Jesus, Blessed Mama, the Holy Spirit, saints or to loved ones no longer physically here and we say:

"Heavenly Source, you who are everywhere, please open my heart and fill it with Love.

"Breathe that prayer in, deeply, slowly. We grow that feeling by simply remembering a time when we felt love, when we gave love. What does Love feel like when we receive it? What does Love feel like when we give it? We give Blessings by sending the Love in our hearts to another person, an animal, another country, our Mother Earth in her beautiful sunsets, flowers and creatures. We bless silently or with words if we feel moved to use them.

"Why Blessings? Because they are powerful, free and they grow GOD which is The All of Love. Tonight that Love that we are going to be remembering, celebrating, keeping it a living, growing, expanding thing is your Daddy's, your Uncle's, my Son's. It's the ONE thing we'll always have of him, always with us; so close that we don't know where we end and he begins. That's the beauty, the blessing, the holy part of Love. It's a union, it takes two or more and changes the individual parts to a whole . . . like when you kiddos make chocolate milk. You first pour milk, add alot or a little chocolate syrup and then stir, shake or blend it in the smoothie blender. Now, the milk and syrup are totally changed, remade into something else. No longer separate ingredients, they are now one glass of goodness. The smoothie blender whips the milk and syrup into a delicious, frothy drink that grows to twice its original size. When you take that first sip, drink and enjoy your chocolate milk, you feel happy—you've found a perfect moment in your day. There's no unhappiness, grouchiness, fighting, no jealously, no wanting, no making fun of or being made fun of, and as Jordyn says "that's so satisfying". That feeling feels BIG . . . like the feeling of generosity. When we are loving, being loved, we are being the best humans our souls want us to be. That BIG Love is what a blessing is and when we can share that BIG Love by asking for the heart of someone to be opened and filled with Love, we are taking responsibility for making the world a better place by growing Love.

"Tonight, right now, we are going to bring the Love that is Daddy/Uncle Matty into our hearts and then turn it around and send it back into the world. Every Christmas we are going to do something to celebrate, to remember, to keep alive that Love that is Matty, Poppy, Mams, Pepere and Grampy —all of our ancestors and loved ones that are alive in Love . We are going to give a blessing in memory of and receive a special hug to our hearts. We say to them, "we Love you, we celebrate you, we remember you, we thank you for watching over us".

"This beautiful, BIG feeling of Love that is sitting in our hearts right now, we are grateful for it. In the spirit of giving, what this Christmas season welcomes . . . and here, Gammy is going to stop talking and let your hearts take over, do the speaking. Send a blessing of Love to someone, some creature, some situation that could use Love's healing. Let's pause for a moment and send our own blessing". With a chorus of Amens, we truly entered the Christmas season. 

As a token of remembrance for this night, I hand out a small bag to each. They hold a projection bracelet with a photo of you Matty, embedded in the tiniest gem; a photo they've never seen. As they sit in BIG Love, with expanded hearts full with more feelings than can be contained, our night explodes into sounds of glee with a mixture of happy tears and a cacophony of voices giving directions on how to look into the gem and a demonstration of how the image can be projected onto a wall. With a unique reminder infused with the superpower of LOVE wrapped around their wrists, Blessings makes a permanent imprint upon their hearts. 

I embrace it all; the missing you, the joy in the kids faces, the peace that fills me in the quiet space and twinkling of tree lights, the memories that rise and the tears that fall, in the awe and wonder of the experiences of our new language, and in the revelations of the once hidden and unknown. All of it, the parts and pieces making up our Wholeness Story. Making up— the imagined until making up delivers the lo and behold—The Real. 

Bear's statement of conviction will perhaps find a shifting perception one day, coming to him at a time of Self-discovery. I can talk words which are simply letters of the alphabet strung together. Perhaps this alphabet soup transforms into understanding through life's experiences; personal, unique and uncovered at the right time. A soup of random letters transforming into words telling his own story, learning from life's experiences lived through his personal self and elevated Self. 

"This acting like you are something else is the ego" so tells me my be-loved book, A Course of Love ( ACOL U.13)   

Talk the talk is the something else rather than walk the talk with all of my piccadillos; my doubts, my trust, judgments and discernment, my seeking and discovering, my grief and healing, connection and union, ego and elevated Self. It's the Wholeness of life. Reality, sees the ego, and Spirit sees a false self—an illusion. Life transforms into the genuine - authentic - bona fide - undeniable - honest-to-goodness - "truer than true", "You-er than you" Self.  The Real no longer imagined" says my soul, container of spirit and permanent resident of my open heart. "Cheers, you've got it" cry out miracles, blessings conveyed and the gift of Divine Love. 

What is wisdom teaching me today? 

Science knows what science knows and expels the spiritual unknown. The Mystery of Life invites me to walk into the embrace of the unknown where knowing is replaced by revelation 

. . . a remembrance of what has always been known. Ironically, science is a part of the word structure—conSCIENCE, my invisible, immeasurable inner guide that weighs the laws of man and God. 

I am grateful for my 4 now 5 Little Blessings. My world is continually evolving. Love expands mine when received as a gift and keeps your Legacy of Love alive when returned to the Universe. 

In spite of it all, Love brings me moments of Heaven on Earth—real, in the imaginal—not imagined. 

Nine years and I miss you. Still. Aways. I am in relationship with you Matthew—beautiful, ever loving, wise discarnate Spirit, in the deep spaciousness of Christ-consciousness. 

So happy we've spent this time together. Rachel delivered your Christmas message and I received it with a full heart: 

"And Behold, I am with you always".

Matthew 28:20 

You surely are! 

A fitting ending to our magical, heart-transformed Grinchy Christmas; a message for all: 

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not".

Dr. Seuss

brainyquotes.com 

Heart Love you forever'mor 💙

MLA 13 -- January 3, 2015 

Mom

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REMEMBERTING MATTY ON HIS 7TH ANNIVERSARY

Matthew Laurent Allard "Matty"

I was given a beautiful gift of remembrance today that brings back into the light Matty's inspired words "When we don't have the words, we have the Love". As I've sat in the silence these last few years with no audible words to share yet guided by Love on this my journey to healing, the Soul Journey part. Today feels like the close of this silent chapter and the opening of another filled with sound. A grief group I belong to From Grief toHope, a private group so I will not be sharing their gift to me, yet the message received from Matty came in loud and clear. They held me in Love and brought me back to the year of Matty's passing—2015 and some of his inspired words from the Voice of Grief blog. These I share in the hope of offering comfort to the heart that hurts.

"Fly free, Fly high, soar my sweetheart - you're not earthbound anymore...Are you everywhere - a thought, a breath, a scent, a vision of beauty, a sound?...Does your love leave a trail of laughter and joy, are you filling our hearts with comfort, our souls with peace?...You are light, you are love - you continue to live in our hearts, our souls, in the Beyond. We are connected, we are one".

(From the @Voice of Grief Golden Light Forever'mor blog post, December 3, 2015)

In this period of contemplation and reflection, Matty felt quiet. As in the past when met with silence, it was a signal that more healing work was headed my way. Last night in a journal entry, I was contemplating the difference between integration, which Matty has been guiding me to, and feeling the yearning yet impossibility of regeneration of the heart that has been tugging at the human me. I emptied my heart over what I've been pondering on this 7-year anniversary and honestly found myself standing at the edge of this moment, this very personal moment, this day that gives me pause. The From Grief to Hope group helped me arrive to the other side of today, the Blessings Side. And if I lift my eyes, the eyes of my heart and look out over the chasm to seek sight of the other edge, I see eternity—beautiful, embracing and Universal.

Last night's journal entry:

Regeneration of the heart is silenced. Evolution made it so. Still, it is a wish my heart holds; seems it would make the pain of missing less piercing. The best it can do is heal with scarring.

Integration though is like a whisper. "How to" escaped me as a newly bereaved and today it is in the silence that I can hear the whispers. They are the sounds of encouragement, Love that no longer needs a beating heart, phantom limbs extending into a new form of embrace.

Matty, I can find you in the whispers. If my mind is clouded like the fog over the Golden Gate Bridge, your whispers are like emergency beacons. Am I getting warmer, closer to insight and understanding or colder . . . moving away from soul, our spirit connection. In the silence, touching the scars of my heart whether engrossed in a past memory or the present day love, your Love channeled by your children—the whispers take on a melody. Are you singing me the song of our life? It's a tune that guides me toward integration . . . forward.

Seven years today Sweetheart. Feels so long in earthly years. Love goes on and sometimes life takes a pause. Today is a pause for me, walking through the suffering and the blessings and every January 3rd I am returned to the beginning; the awe and wonder of your birth, the awe and wonder of life, Love. The Personal and the Universal. Both needed for integration as the Universal holds the Wholeness I've been seeking while the Personal pauses to take a day to care for my physical heart. 

"Fear not, I Am with you", words from scripture and whispers from the Collective surround me. You all are part of the Universal Consciousness, the Collective that embraces Matty and I today. Wholeness and the Personal moment held by my heart, soul and spirit. Integration—Healing. Thank you so very much.

Matty, Love you Forever'mor!

 

FILENAME: #8Matty

 

Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you

FILENAME: #8Matty

Dearest, dearest Matty:

No title for this blog post . . . is it really a blog post or are we going to have a conversation, a visit? #8 Matty—the years are adding up. It’s after Christmas and Dad and I decide to head out for a ride to the coast. Took this pic. What do I see? Shadows are in front of and not behind me. The terrain is rocky; the sky is blue. The ocean is calm after the recent storm. I see winter brush, standing naked against the landscape and evergreens that could pass for trees photographed in a milder season. There’s a contrail in the sky like a lone finger pointing, guiding the way; wisps of clouds and two anonymous people, one looking forward and one looking back. I guess the anonymous mirror me. This is what I’m doing, looking forward and back; January 3^rd has that effect on me. There is a lot of symbology in this photo. I like that the shadows are looking forward. Sun to my back shining its light; unable to go through me yet the message is important and finds a way to call to me. Two shadows, I’m never alone. Two shadows, more heartwork to do. The sky so blue. I asked you sweet Matthew to teach me how to pray and you’ve led me to the re-discovery of the rosary. Not to the doctrine and dogma of my Catholic roots but to the Blessed Mother, the Virgin and the Earth—feminine energy that calls out to me, that shows me her presence. I can see Her with my physical eyes when I take in the glory of Her deeply colored sky. I feel Her through the eyes of my heart; that invisible organ that awakens my unseen senses, the ones that usher in direct communion, communication through experience. It's what is needed; open arms and the protection offered by a blue sky mantle. A rocky road and yet I’m standing and taking in this beautiful view; absorbing the feelings of the moment, a sponge, full and not quite ready to be wrung out. It’s peaceful. It’s cold without being biting and the expanse of water is limitless—like consciousness.

“A shadow is never created in darkness. It is born of light.

We can be blind to it and blinded by it. Our shadow asks us to look

at what we don’t want to see.”

Terry Tempest Williams, When Women Were Birds: Fifty-four Variations on Voice

The shadow part of the soul journey, not the easiest to walk through and yet the bounty is great and the fruitage can be harvested at many points along the way. What is my shadow trying to tell me? I hear the murmurings of the wind, I must listen with full attention as the hum is quite low, the clouds are barely moving. Patience, I gather like spiritual berries that need to be picked. Grief lives in a field of Great Mystery. There is not one destination, only layers of depth and timeless wisdom to be unearthed. My harvest is an ingathering, a within-gathering. You’ve shared much through your teachings and my learnings of divine Love.  I’ve amassed the fruits of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and generosity of spirit. All culled in divine timing and fertilized with persistence and determination. I grow in clarity and understanding as the seed planted the day your soul left this earthly incarnation blossoms into a flower “where are you?” Miracles happen—that’s what it feels like to me. Heaven on earth moments when our souls connect, the veil thins and our worlds merge. Love is powerful. An open-heart charges the atmosphere and your thoughts become my thoughts and the closeness is real, the experience is real and it’s a taste of the “elixir of eternity”. . . like the morning of May 30^th, the day before your birthday this past year.

I was filled with the sounds and feels in nature and this was your perfect opportunity for a visit. My Kids Messenger app sent a notification and it was your Addy, camping for a week by the river. I want to relive this memory together; that’s what we do, make new memories you and I. Addy’s and my chat began:

Addy: Good morning 😃

Me: Good morning! Did you have a nice sleep with all of that river cool air? 😎 Feels good when the air is cool for sleeping.

Addy: I did did you have a good sleep 🛌

Me: It was grand! All the windows open. Listening to the chirping birds this morning, the buzzing bees. Soaking in life Addy. Stop for a moment Addy and look around you if you are at the river right now. Look at the  water. See the wind create ripples on its top. Next the trees. Do the leaves look like they are waving? The sun, the color of the sky are next. It's so beautiful. When we take a moment to fill our hearts with this beauty . . . we get to feel happiness, we send out a BIG THANK YOU to the beauty in nature that surrounds us. This is a very good way to start your day. Love you Sweetheart ❤

Addy: Wow 🤩
Addy: That was amazing

Me: Have the best day my love and spread that happiness that is in your heart. 😍

Addy: Oki

Me: And the only thing you have to do is BE you, smiling, happy, kind and loving.  ❤

Addy: Oh thank you 😊

The messenger post was a first . . . definitely a nudge from you Matty, an exercise for your special girl. Long for her to read and a lesson for her heart. Her response tells me she was feeling. My feeling lasted all day. "I AM Everything and NoThing". Yes, Matty you are. You are Love, everywhere and Addy and I know how it feels in the present, in the presence, moment by moment . . . "blending our two worlds".

Another remembering. Words delivered in the quiet and stillness of meditation years ago. “Less Hardly, More Ever”. Four words and their meanings change as you help to change me. We are hardly less separated from each other. Rather evermore connected in eternal Beingness.  From the deep, guttural cries of a Mother's heart, I found you. In the silence you waited, listened and heard the sounds of my voice of grief.  Held and embraced gently by the Love of a son in spirit, this journey to healing we walk together revealing the beauty, the awe and wonder of Life beyond life—the mysteries of grief holding uncertainties until released. A gift that continuously grows given through the whispers of Love, allowed and gratefully received by an open human heart. A blending, Spirithuman to Spirit. Together. Always.

Loved for’evermore.

Mom

DADDY'S LOVE, HIS KISSES, HIS HUGS

Daddy & Uncle Matty, his Love lives on the Inside now

I heard the sound the ache in my heart makes when it takes a moment to cheer on the joy. Tuesday sleepovers at Gammy and Bampy’s lead to lazy Wednesdays, We look forward to the firefly shows that dazzle us through the window screens at bedtime, nature’s nightlights! Favorite breakfasts are served, there’s collaboration on the current play in production, packing up towels and snacks and a quick change into bathing suits and we are ready for the water show to begin. I’m treated to dives and jumps, twists and twirls, double rollovers and their favorite . . . the canyonball. Another word I can’t bring myself to correct. They are growing so fast, it’s a part of the past I’m bringing into my present for now. The future and change will come quickly enough. 

Love visited us today. I was taking care of all the outside things that needed to be packed up for our walk back to the house while unbeknownst to me, the kiddos were taking care of the inside. As I was stuffing my carry bag, I heard shouts of glee “Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Matty, Uncle Matty”.

When I turned to see what all the excitement was about, the sight that fell upon my physical eyes brought tears. All four were kneeling on the deck, kissing the same spot over and over. Took me a moment to compose myself. The kisses, the once babies growing like weeds, the years since they’d had the physical contact, the missing, the questions, the tears, the memories fast fading like an ‘ol Polaroid left in the sun. And then my spirit nudge. “No, No, No you are looking at a scene with your mind. Take it to the heart and tell me what you feel”. In that moment I became present with the joy, the unexpected visit from a beloved Daddy and Uncle Matty. No sadness in their hearts. Only openness and the will to receive all the Love that was being showered upon them in that moment.

“Hey, my Little Loves what have you found?” I asked. Four voices in chorus shouted back. “It’s a sign, it’s a sign!” There was a beautiful hello from heaven, a water spot in the shape of a heart. I allowed the nano-second of sorrow to pass through me and was reminded that what is seen from the outside captures a much different picture than the Truth felt from the inside.

Feeling, the experience born from heartspace. Love, the gift, the energy, the vibration that both gives and receives. It’s an invitation to unity, to remember that we are all connected through this power of Love. It runs through us like a river and when I align with the flow, I’m taking care of myself from the inside. My responsibility, my inner work, my contribution to making change. Working on my Love, giving and receiving. I’m happy I was brought into their circle. They created a new memory that is rubbing-in worthy, a beautiful grief tool passed on by a friend. When you want to remember, feel and rub it into your heart. Love will recall it when you need it most.

Meet me in the heart. . . anytime.

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