Wednesday, April 1, 2015



1978 - 2015

Hello Mr. Matt—this is one of my favorite photographs of you. So you died. Pretty difficult to deal with. Not ready for you to go but I know it has nothing to do with my timeline. It was such a surreal phone call to receive and I’m sure it was pretty tough for Jason to make. The physical shock is nothing like I’d ever experienced before. My body was crying but there were no tears initially. I didn’t want the words to be true. I could not imagine a life without you. You brought me such joy and I was getting such a kick out of watching you grow into your element with your children, your wife, your business, your chefdom . . . Addy is your Mini-Me. Looking at pictures today she looks just like you. I don’t know how to deal with your passing. Don’t know how to help Addy, Nikki. We are all at a loss. I’m shocked that I did not feel you pass. We were so close. I thought my heart would scream out at that exact moment. Saying goodbye to your body (but never to your spirit) at the hospital was crazy. Your body was still warm from the shoulders down, but your head was cold. The thought of you suffering was tearing me apart. I was told a story of one of your friend's being a first responder. Provided some very needed comfort (and the story I choose to believe) but others seem to have squelched that remembrance of events . I so hope you did not feel any pain or experience anguished thoughts that you knew you were leaving your family, that you were dying without one of us being there to comfort you. I want to hold you one more time. I want to hear your voice, not your recorded voice mail voice. I want to know what message you would like to send to the world. You made quite an impact on the hearts of everyone you touched here on earth. That will be such a beautiful tale to tell your children.

What’s it like Matt . . . the Knowing?? What did you feel when you took your last breath? Where did you go? Received my first sign from you—I did feel you pinching my arse in your apartment. Brought a smile to my face. So very you, only this time I was not annoyed! I want more tho. Selfish maybe but I’m just not ready to not have you as a part of my life. Why am I not having dreams about you? So many questions. Are you alright? Are you happy,at peace? How are you dealing with Addy’s sadness? Do you hear us playing “Once Upon a Time . . . Daddy”? How have we been connected in past lives? Are you sending me signs and I’m missing them? Please teach me to read signs. I feel that has not been my strongpoint . . . doubting Thomas that I am. Why can’t we just converse? Does it take too much of your energy? Do I need a medium? Do I have to raise my energy?

What was your Mission Son? Why did you have to go when you did? Why Why why?? Do you know about Sarah’s passing? Have you seen her? Are you together? I don’t like one way conversations, so anytime you want to chime in. I’m ready!!

Miss you, miss you, miss you, miss you. Have you seen Mams, my Father, Grampy, Grandma, Grandpa, your Brother Andrew, Uncle Carlos, Uncle Bobby, Derrick??

Life truly can change in an instant. I am happy that we had no regrets (other than you not becoming a professional baseball player). I am happy we had a fun, loving family life. I am happy I was chosen to be your Mother. I am in awe at the number of people that paid their respects. Herr Kelly (not looking so good) Mayor Gatsas, Andrea, Carrie Raymond, Jamie Marquis, Lauren. You would have laughed at Baats retort when she met Lauren—the before girlfriend. After Lauren introduced herself Beth answers with “yes, I know who you are—I’ve seen pictures”. It was funny—our quiet, reserved Beth. Your wing-woman has been so strong for your brother. 1000+ people. Most attended viewing in the history of Bouffard’s we are told. Would love to continue to spread your message but will need you to provide and give guidance.

Can you tell me about the vision you had that advised you to name your son Bear? Can you help us find the "Insurance Policy" document we so desperately need? Can you erase the picture of you on the gurney at the hospital from my mind? Can you let me know the detailed plans you had for your children? Can you, can you, can you???? What can I do for you? I pray that your soul is at rest and peace. I pray that you are not experiencing any sadness now that you feel the love and peace that going Home offers. I promise to keep your memory alive.

Guide me please. I will love you beyond forever.


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