A DAY AT THE BEACH FOR NIKKI & THE KIDS—LOVING MATTY |
SOS
Matthew Can you hear us . . . can you see us? We are beyond 5 months and my
heart is trying to find my voice because it is screaming in pain. Breathing
does not feel instinctive. It’s shallow. It’s opening a door and letting my
anxiety come in with a force. There is a tape in my head that keeps repeating
Matthew . . . Matthew . . . Matthew . . . Matthew. Every minute of every hour
of the day and night. I seem to be having difficulty finding words. My mind is
racing but my body is reacting in slow motion. Insanity? Sanity on the edge?
Grief? Mourning? Yearning? What is this????? Going backwards again. I feel like
I’ve ridden the rollercoaster and it has taken me to the top and bottom as much
as it can on my single ticket ride. It’s dropped me off and placed me in line
waiting to buy another ticket . . . just so that I can try to get to the top
again. I like the top. I feel like I can breathe at the top. Life seems
clearer. I can find joy. I have hope. Lesson learned—buy a season ticket
because it’s easier to stay on the ride.
I have
experienced that in addition to the FIRSTS, if too many are concentrated into a
short period of time your heart becomes equivalent to a construction
zone—emotions must maneuver orange barrel season but your reaction time has
become too slow. Faced with daily detours and the possibility that the abyss is
lurking too closely, I ask myself what choices to I have here? This thing I’ll
call Merciless Months has forced me off the road to Lighter Days where the pain
of losing you was finding its way of fitting into my daily life and instead has
me gazing directly at Confrontation—confronting the truth that the tragedy of
your passing has created this time warp of In-Between. It’s not black, it’s not
white, and it’s not even gray. It’s not now, it’s not then, it’s not will be.
It’s undefined. Wreaks havoc with focus, rationality, energy, motivation and
minutes, hours, days, weeks, months as we know them. It’s ugly. It’s scary. It’s
new. It’s a roadblock. It’s a detour without any signage. I’m waiving the white
flag. SOS Matthew. Can you hear me? Can you see me? Can you help me?
Merciless
Months—April through June. We’ve faced your Wedding Anniversary, Mother’s Day,
missed Jason’s & your combined Birthday dinner, celebrated your Birth Day,
Nikki’s Birthday and Father’s Day to come next week. That is a tsunami of
emotions to get through. We gather, we hug, and we cry, we laugh — yes still
laughing but our bearings remain off kilter. Yet we continue to come together
and we try, try, try to make this life without Matt work. We celebrated Nikki’s
Birthday Friday. Auntie and Elouise came up from NY. Steph’s moving and we are
saying another goodbye, safe trip, see you at Christmas. Life keeps moving on
and I feel like I’m running like crazy to catch it. Going through the motions,
not too much makes sense. I need to make sense of this In-Between.
Why/What
now? I believe it is closure. My mantra “finding joy while living with the
ache” seems fitting as the final link to moving forward in the grieving
process. If this is the final link, what is the first, second and every other
link that comes in-between? I seem to have jumped right to the end, certainly a
good new mission but perhaps sprinkled with a bit of naivety as to the
difficulty of this path. Working backwards I need to discover the missing
links. It begins with closure and accepting the fact that there is no closure
to your passing. There is no closure because there is so much love attached to
this tragedy. Your body is dust. Your Spirit lives. The love I have for you is
alive. Love is forever; a forever energy. How can one experience closure with
something so alive as LOVE; love for you? The mantra is a journey holding many
lessons I’ll be learning on the way. Understanding is the beginning of healing.
There are missing pieces to this puzzling process. Reflection is the board we
use to try and fit all the pieces together. Will I and your ‘Collection of
People’ feel whole again? In the end, I am again reminded that it all comes
back to love. The joy, the heartache, the starts, the stops, the in-betweens
will all be buoyed by love. Loving you, loving our memories and loving each
other.
What are
my choices? There is only one. Wipe away my tears and really examine the
detours. Expect them. Dig deep when they surprise me. Accept that there will be
no closure and excavate the elements that make “finding joy while living with
the ache” a daily reality.
I need
to speak your language right now. I need to experience your special, right from
the heart kind of love. Your language—your Bear Hug. Please can we hug? My
memory feels alive. Close your eyes my Dear and I will close mine. I feel your
arms around me, do you feel mine?
Love you
so much – forever.
Mom