SHE HELD HIS HAND FOREVER

Art Print by Jennifer Albin Artist/Owner of Soul Whisper Arts

Discovered this beautiful print in New Paltz while visiting Auntie. The art had an immediate effect on me. The artist is Jennifer Albin of Soul Whisper Arts. I was drawn to the room at the rear of the store where baskets of her treasures were displayed. Such a perfect name for her creations. The art as a collective whispered to me “browse, there is a special gift for your soul you are about to unearth” and in a time-stalled state I began to flip through the prints. My heart stopped when my fingers fell upon “She held his hand forever” and the dam was broken as rivers of tears fell from my eyes. A very public display of grief. This painting was created for us Matthew. There is so much to see, to take in, to allow the soul to feel, to swell— to spew pent up emotion, to regurgitate the grief that’s been trying to take hold of my entire being. Tears, so many tears lately. I am forced to put aside the grief I feel for everyone that loves you and concentrate on me for a little while—my own grief, my own mourning. I lost a son. I lost a son 8 months ago. I died a little myself that day. I thought I was moving forward and yet these monthly anniversaries, these return–to–your–unearthly–blessed–abode dates bring the pain and agony and longing for you deeper into my heart and soul.

Grief — it’s taken up residence. Unlike the voice that we carry around in our heads, grief is greedy. It doesn’t want just one body part, one organ — it wants your everything. I can feel it in my body. It slithered in and took hold. It feels like a wool sweater washed in hot water, shrunken beyond good use. It is uncomfortable. It does not fit properly. It constricts. It causes tightness. It blisters my insides. It is not my friend. It is not my teacher YET. There is no evicting grief. Grief is with me for all seasons. It’s too soon for me to recognize and understand her purpose but an agenda she surely has. I can never return to who I was as you are carrying a part of me with you, so perhaps she will help me become who I am meant to be. Evolve—transform—reconnect—live—love, love, love. We are not friends. I must learn how to live with her until we learn to work together. She makes me tired, very tired. I look over the edge of the abyss that is the dark night of the soul and like a lemming; I want to let myself walk over. Sink to the bottom. Curl up into a fetal position. Ride out the storm. I’ve been there before. This time I’ve learned that you can’t crawl your way out. Much easier to be lifted out. Lifted by love, by prayers, by time. It is amazing to me that life goes on after such a loss. It’s harder to move when you are broken. I feel like I am living in a parallel universe, able to see what is going on in the present yet unable to participate. I just want my universe to stop for a while. I want to sleep. I want to not care. I want to heal. None of those elements singularly hold the key to healing. I know it is my journey and it’s not just a journey through grief. It’s a journey to the return to life. I seem to need a jumpstart.

I’m visiting the Land of Nothing-ness right now. Visiting not taking up residency! This piece of art depicts where I’m at so beautifully. The featureless face. I’m trying to figure out who I am without you. Your featureless face. I’m sure you have some discovering to do to take up your newness in spirit. I see a faint glimmer of a smile. That is our hope. Hope that we will continue to have a relationship. Hope that love never dies. Hope that we will continue to learn from each other. The signs you send my way are amazing and I am forever grateful. The balloon in Accord was the most comical yet. I loved experiencing your sense of humor from the beyond as it is something I miss so terribly here without the physical you. The art—the very large M’s. Mr. Matt—your Alphabits nickname that stuck within our family. This is a canvas that portrays grief—the tears, the fact that we can’t see each other but can feel each other. The orbs and the butterfly—signs from the afterlife. The connected rings represent love, our family, our purpose for the future—to disseminate the love you showered on all for your shortened time here. I love the complexity of the piece. The multiple layers that you can peel back like an onion. The parts that make up the whole. One of the first layers was comprised of words, text. If you look closely at the bottom right of the print, you can make out the words “life is to love”, the only words visible when I enlarge that portion of the print. In the upper left I can make out “family CREATES beauties”, we are made up of parts and if we incorporate LOVE, we can make ourselves whole, beauties from the inside. The colors are so vibrant. They speak of possibilities, of a lightened mood, a happy spirit. It depicts a leg of my journey, the others waiting for discovery.

I know you will consider this Mama’s Funk—but a funk is not a depression, just an incredible amount of sadness. Thank you for listening. I did get your message via a friend today in the song by Yes, “I’ve seen all good people”.  Your message was “don’t surround yourself with yourself, move on back two squares”. What a fine description of the grieving process and motivation to continue forward—resist self-absorption, isolation; take one step forward, two back. Forward, forward, baby steps forward for progress. “Cause it’s time, it’s time in time with your time . . .” and I will find my reconnection—in time, with your time, our time intertwined. I want to carry on for you, for Jason, Beth, Nikki, Dad and the grands.

Loving you so much— holding your hand forever,

Mom

With special thanks to Jennifer for allowing me to use a photo of her print and share with you her art that touched my soul.

Jennifer Albin Artist/Owner SOUL WHISPER ARTS

I am a mystic, compulsive coffee drinker, mother to three amazing boys,  and wife to one of the most beautiful souls to walk this Earth. I am also the artist/owner behind Soul Whisper Arts. Although, I have gotten my hands messy with various art mediums since childhood, I fell in love with mixed-media art in 2011 and I haven't looked back!  I now paint because it helps me connect with and make sense of my inner world. In addition to that, you should probably know that I am am a super firm believer that Love conquers all, that the heart of Life is in fact awesomely  good, and that Art heals on some really deep levels. My mission at Soul Whisper Arts is to create art that heals. My art serves as a reminder that you are not alone. When you fumble in the dark, there are torch bearers to light the way. When you are weary from peeling back the layers, there are others alongside you on the journey to lean on. In addition to creating art, I strive to foster community and teach women about the wisdom and beauty waiting to be witnessed within, through art classes and workshops. It is with paint brush in hand that I believe we can discover some of the bravest parts of ourselves. 

Please visit her website to view her gallery: SOULWHISPERARTS.COM 

Jennifer can also be contacted at:

SOULWHISPERARTS@YAHOO.COM

FACEBOOK.COM/SOULWHISPERARTS

MEYLAH.COM/SOULWHISPERARTS

JOIN US ON FACEBOOK CLICK THE LINK:  VOICE OF GRIEF

If you are a believer in signs from the afterlife and enjoy the comfort they bring, you'll find chronicles of signs from Matthew on the Voice of Grief Facebook Page.