THANKSGIVING WITH A SIDE OF GOOD GRIEF

ONE OF THE MANY FACES OF GRIEF . . . IT’S NOT ALL DARK & SCARY & SAD

Photo courtesy of Mysty Bissonnette. Used with permission.

Going to be sharing this blog post a little differently. Our FIRST Thanksgiving without Matt. We’ve decided to forego the Mac & Cheese! We are experiencing a lot of “rememberings” this week. Matthew had taken to preparing this Holiday meal for his extended family . . . and he was so good at it. Jason, Beth and entourage are celebrating in New York (we share). Brother and his family are not making the trip north. Our table will be set smaller yet our hearts have grown so much since last year. We’ll be trying to define our thanks and our giving in this post—Nikki and I will be co-authoring. Our giving—vulnerability and an honest discussion about grief. We hope you join in and share and allow this to be an open dialogue regarding a silent subject, a very taboo topic. Talk—let’s really talk. Let’s unearth why it is so difficult to talk about death and its’ aftermath—GRIEF. Let’s talk about what happens on a grief journey. Let’s talk about why being around the bereaved is sometimes too difficult for the non-bereaved. Let’s talk about the different views surrounding grief. Let’s talk about what is reality and what is myth. Let’s try and put different faces on grief and see if our shared experiences tweak our perspectives. Does continued grief feel like a life that is being lived in the past or do you see it as living a life in Love?  Does grief have an end or is it the one element that plugs up the hole in a broken heart? Is grief defined by sorrow, sadness and despair or does it encompass many facets and faces that also include joy and sadness, bittersweet memories and the ability to make new ones? Can grief be incorporated into a new way of living moving forward? Is grief the friend, the enemy or the teacher? When do the “How are you(s)” transition into the “How are you doing(s)” or is it the other way around?

Nikki, will you have a conversation with me about Grief? Let’s talk about the grief from death we’ve experienced in our lifetimes. Let’s talk about the initial shock of grief after Matthew’s death, the dark side. How has it changed in 10 months time? How does this level of grief compare to other grief experiences lived through?

Nikki— Grief shakes you to the core, it moves into every part of your body. When grief first strikes you go numb, you become almost robotic in a sense. You don’t know how you are moving or performing daily tasks but you do it. Although, if I did not have two of the most beautiful tiny humans staring me in the face every day, things could be entirely different. Once the “numbness” wears off and the adrenaline pumping through your numb soul wears off, Grief hits you smack dab in the face. The situation for me felt more raw and more real 6 months after losing Matty than it did on day one (this was my biggest surprise to date). I feel as though there is truly only so much your mind, body & soul can absorb. When it gets real like this you have to look for and hang on to any positive tidbit to keep you going, to keep your family going. It is required to perform daily life!!

I have experienced Grief in life before my beloved Matthew, but none that even came close to shaking me like this. Matthew’s Death was both physically and emotionally painful, a full blow to me as a being. Our family did not speak much of Death as we had not experienced a large amount of it in our small family. I had always had this awful feeling inside of me that because I was so lucky to have family members alive and well, with the exception of the few that I had lost and reading horrific stories of families that had lost so much, that it would all either happen at once or it would be a loss so huge that I could not handle it—then BOOM. You hear the most awful of stories and you cannot help but feel awful for these people and could not imagine it happening to you, and then it does.

Diane—No other death compares to how I felt after Matthew died. A traumatic, unexpected, unanticipated death. A blow to every cell in my body. A physical ache like I’ve never experienced. I felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to my body at the end of that first fateful day. That physical pain lasted for a few days. More than tears—wailing, sending a primitive, guttural message throughout the universe announcing my despair. Robotic motions. I must find where his body was taken. We need to say goodbye. Meet with the Funeral Director. How do you plan a Memorial Service? The calls, the emails, the food, the flowers, the sick babies, the grief put on hold. The kind words spoken at the Wake. Crazy things you remember . . . wow, condolences from the heart. I’ll have to remember those words when I need them next. Gone. Forgotten. A memory of kindness from the heart. The love and support spoke to my mood and spirits for a month after the Service.  Sadness but the ability to get through the day followed—my thinking, “I can do this. This is easier than I thought it would be”. Then my brain, my thinking betrayed me. Sleep was sporadic. The only thing I could count on for a routine was tears. Meals went unmade. Laundry—I could not sort colors. The cold, cold January days matched the chill I felt on my inside. Once the adrenaline had completed escaped, left the body, reality set in and I was set in the midst of a new frontier. How would I ever feel happiness again? How was I going to get through this? The Dark Days of grief, the acute phase of grief. In the pit of despair, in the early grief, when weeping and raging come in fits. When nothing provides release. When a piece of your soul feels like it has died. When your soul is nicked by Grief— this is where the scars live. How was I going to help my family when I felt helpless myself? I understood the mantra “one day at a time”, sometimes one breath at a time, sometimes someone please breathe for me!

Death of a child differs drastically from prior deaths I had experienced. The death of older relatives and my parents, parents of friends, a good friend and father of six, and acquaintances.  My Dad died at the young age of 47, my Mom and Step-Dad in their 70’s and all three after extensive illnesses. My Dad’s death was difficult. I had just turned 21 and was starting to find my way in the world, a newly married with my parents’ relationship as my only true guide—still learning about myself, self-confidence, self-worth, trust and independence. It felt like an unnatural time for him to die. He would miss so much of my sibling’s lives and the future lives we would bring forth that would enlarge our family. I saw the face of grief through my Mom’s eyes when her heart was shattered, her greatest Love gone, her life changed drastically with two young teen boys left to raise and very little money to do so. I stumbled. It was all sadness and tears and the belief that time heals all—my first uncovered myth. My Mom’s phone number is still part of my contact list on my cell, eight years later. I miss her friendship, yet for both my Mom & Step-Dad, a life of pain and suffering takes its toll.  I wanted peace for them. My religious upbringing kicked in with their passing. I knew in my heart that they were in a better place. I felt physical and emotional exhaustion that I knew I would recover from. There was a deep, deep sadness that ensued. I talked to them a lot and actually asked my Mom to lift the sadness after her one year anniversary—life was too difficult to live with so much loss of color. My interest in the workings of the afterlife was awakened when I felt as though a blanket of grief had been immediately lifted from my shoulders. All the good memories returned and my days became lighter. Life goes on and so must I.

What advice or “words of encouragement” have you been given by others about your grieving or death in general that has turned out not to be true, but rather insensitive and hurtful?

Nikki—“Time heals everything” is certainly a tough one for me. You will adjust and you will push forward, but you won’t heal 100%. I do not believe that you will ever come back to be the person you were before such tragedy. But what I do believe is that you can live a “new normal”, you can be strong again & you can live your life to its fullest potential should you choose to do so.

Everyone grieves differently, and NOBODY should ever have to try to fight and/or hide it. We are all individual and when there is a loss so huge you CANNOT begin to imagine what it feels like.  Kind thoughts and encouragement are welcome, assuming you know and judgments are not. 

Diane—“Time heals all”, “He’s in a better place”, “You are so strong” (I’m not strong, I just don’t choose the other choices—there are very few choices—move forward albeit slowly at times, or forget about choosing life/living. “You need to be around other people. You’re not engaging your brain enough.” “Today is a happy day. Only happy thoughts today”. These statements are not helpful to me. They may be coming from well-meaning hearts yet I feel like I need to hold in my sadness, put on a mask when I hear these words of “encouragement”. What I really need is for somebody to affirm my sadness if that is what I am feeling and sometimes a kind heart can gently bring me back from a blue mood by bringing forth a happy memory, saying his name—Matthew, Matty, Matt. Some days nothing helps other than sitting with the sadness. One statement that I do find truth in is: “this (blue mood, paralyzing sorrow) too shall pass”. This could only come from my lips to my heart and could only be believed after living the experience, and I need to remind myself again and again. 

How and where were support and comfort found when first assaulted by Grief?  What is the first step that needs to be taken in dealing with grief? What could begin to fill the void, the emptiness?

Nikki—I turn to my children for support. I turn to the beautiful soul that is my Husband. Matthew would not want me to curl up and throw in the towel. Our children deserve to live the fullest life that I am able to provide them. They are my being. I am thankful that I have their little faces to remind me that not only is giving up not an option but that pushing yourself to make it your best life possible is a must.

Diane—Hope for healing for our broken, hurting hearts. I set my intention for healing early on. It didn’t happen for many months and will continue to happen throughout my lifetime, yet I clung to Hope and I continue to cling. I sought out people and places that would remind me and re-teach me that beauty heals—especially the beauty in nature. I scoured the internet for different support groups and blogs. I searched for stories of others’ grief journeys. I wanted someone to help light the way so that I would not encounter any surprises—grief does not work this way. I wanted to learn as much about death as I could. I wanted to shake the pain. I wanted my old life back. I wanted the numbness and the brain drain to stop. I wanted to hear stories about Matthew that would add to what I already knew of my Son. I wrapped myself up in warm blankets and books. I leaned on my Sister. Nikki and I texted constantly . . . sharing, sharing, sharing. After a few months, I wanted to write, to release some of the pressure sitting in my chest, share the experience in the hopes that more healing would come from despair and sorrow. I sought out grief counseling in the 4^th or 5^th month. I vowed to never stop growing and learning and sharing.

How are you dealing with your journey? What saddens you, angers you, comforts you. How do you feel when you have a public breakdown—how have others responded? How does grief progress for you? What does it look like? What supports you?

Nikki—Grief is a rollercoaster and you certainly experience EVERY EMOTION that your body has to offer. Some days I think “why me?” and I immediately follow that with the thought “take a good look at your life, look what Matthew has left you with: our two beautiful children, an amazing family, a circle of the most caring of people & endless amounts of beautiful (and hysterical) memories”. 

Diane—A grief journey is individual. There are no guidebooks or timetables. We’re all feeling our way, trying to keep one foot in front of the other. Grief comes in many sizes, shapes and colors. A grief felt deeply reflects the amount of love held for the deceased. Grief associated with trauma enters our being with the ferocity of a raging storm—wind, rain, sand, fire—no need to differentiate as angry, turbulent, tumultuous elements create destruction and desolation. We need to find and utilize proper protection to help us weather the storm. Sturdy walls, no windows will offer more safety in a hurricane or tornado, boots for a rain or thunderstorm, warmth and hunkering down for a nor’easter, clothing and shields for sand and fire. We wait for the calm, the peace that graced our lives before the storm to return. The aftermath may require us to rebuild, clear debris, wait for the power to come back on—much like the reflection and growth phase of grief. Reflection comforts me. It tells me I am working on my journey. Clarity that comes from reflection is where the real comfort lies. Ah! Another step forward! I find comfort in my many books, the arms of my husband, my Sister and her words of encouragement, my Aunt, my family, my friends, the phone calls from Jason, the long conversations with Beth, the continued connections with Nikki . . . and oh, those grandchildren. I find great comfort in the blog. I find continuity in support. Signs from Matthew always put a smile on my face and a thank you on my lips. While doing some Thanksgiving meal shopping, I saw another of Matthew’s doppelgangers. The color of the hair, the cut, the back of his body, his clothing, his swagger. I saw his look-alike from the back—no need to feel like the crazy stalker Lady. I kept my gaze on him until we parted ways in the grocery store. Tears flowing, I had left my Big Sunglasses and tissues in the car, of all days! It was a “leaky” shopping mission. Everyone went about their business. I kept my head bowed. The sadness was worth the sighting. An instant of having Matthew back even when I know it’s just make believe—harmless, there is no reality here.

Close to 11 months without Matthew and I feel I am getting emotionally stronger. I have been able to understand more about mourning and grief. The tears happen less often, the physical pain is gone; the raw edges of sorrow are no longer. I stay open because I’ve learned that’s where the lessons happen. I’m gentler with my grief and not so quick to anger at her appearance. I talk to her. I let her take over when she needs to. She advances me forward in baby steps. I let her work me out and over. I gratefully accept her offering of healing.

What are your feelings about grief, what are your views? Is it something private, not shared; shared and supported; do you allow it become public? Has anything about grief surprised you? Has grief been transforming? Are you thankful/grateful for any of the lessons you’ve learned through grief? What has truly touched your soul in walking this journey?

Nikki—Grief teaches you that life is as simple or as complicated as you decide to make it. You spend your whole life trying to achieve perfection. I found it and I know that one day we will reunite and start right back where we left off. I am not sure that I have gone into any adjustment period aside from learning a whole new front of responsibility. The “new normal” will have to suffice & so I pray that his beautiful soul is at peace and that he will help me to keep my heart open and my head strong.

Diane—Grief is not a disease. Grief is not contagious. Grief is not comfortable. Grief is disruptive, messy, unpredictable, confusing, disorderly and exhausting. Grief robs you of the control, the order you once had over your life. Grief is a normal reaction to a profound loss. Grief is a process, phases that she will introduce us to. I feel like I am walking through four phases, not all in order, jumping back and forth, sometimes trying to hurry to get to peace and thrown right back to the Acute phase—grief cannot be rushed. I’ve walked through and sat with Reflection & Growth, got a glimpse of Reorganizing & Rebuilding and have a date with Redefining & Re-establishing. Grief’s timetable becomes your timetable. Her path leaves enough room for you and when needed, she expands to allow someone to join you and hold your hand. Grief teaches us that we have to trust and surrender to reclaim peace and healing.

Grief like the make-up of people takes on their persona. If you are reserved and not one to discuss feelings, I believe your grief will follow suit. Your voice will be quiet yet the emotions will be churning. I’m hoping my words can be your friends on your journey and let you know that you are never alone. If you are silent and not speaking because grief hurts too much and you are delaying your grief, may my words provide some light to illuminate the beginning of your path. My voice of grief speaks loudly. Emotions have always ruled my day. I share in the hopes that my posts to Matthew will touch the soul of someone that is grieving; open the eyes of a non-bereaved that truly wants to help and support a family member or friend. I share what has worked for me with those whose eyes are already open, as they show empathy and compassion to a loved one who is walking the path. I share with kindred souls online and off with whom I am heart-connected, and we hold hands when needed so that we may get to that place of peace. Never alone.

I love this quote/passage. You can replace the word ‘fate’ with the word ‘grief’ and here you’ll find a very apropos analogy.

“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up the sky like pulverized bones.”

Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

A major transformation came forth when I realized that Accepting, Adjusting, Attachments and Letting Go (Be Brave Speaks the Bird to the Broken Heart post) were intertwined. I am reminded that so many of the processes of grief do not come into your life solo yet are rather interwoven.

I never thought I would be thankful to Grief for ANYTHING! She shakes her head, smiles ever so gently and whispers “Wait, be patient—I have much in store for you”. Grief has recently loaned me a pair of glasses. They seem to have special lenses. They have shown me that the beauty and depth of Love for Matthew was and is—remains entwined in my heart and soul. Forever mine. Forever is a gift from Grief. Forever a part of me. Grief now entwined with Love in my heart and soul. Grief—not the menace I thought she originally was. This is where I discover gratitude in Grief. This is where I meet Grief, my teacher. This is where I find the joy and the ache. This is where I regain the ability to repair my shattered heart and refill my broken vessel. Gratitude also comes in different measures of time. As we continue to celebrate Matty’s Forever 36 birthday, we also now celebrate the day of his death. His age stands still at 36 yet the numbers will grow with the years regarding his death. I give this day a name—Matthew’s Missing You Anniversary. I like the sound of that so much better than Death Anniversary. I, and those who love Matthew will express gratitude by honoring his life, for having been touched deeply by this man, on this day. That we share with each other and our grieving community how he lived and loved—by incorporating his living and loving into our way.

What has truly touched my soul? Let me tell you about my “Soul Angels”—a group of gals from my high school years that have reached out and gently guided me to the start of my journey back to life and living. I don’t know if they realize how important their efforts were/are or how much they mean to me. I thank them with all my heart but sometimes seeing the thanks in words deepens their meaning and worth. Three weeks after Matthew’s death, they contacted me and set up a night out for dinner, love, support, hugs and some Good Grief talk. The oddity is, we never all hung out at the same time in school. Some were my old neighborhood friends, others were friends of friends and some relationships grew as a result of reunion planning. They have experienced grief personally or have held the hand of others they love who are grieving. I’ve read that we travel this lifetime with a soul group whom we are meant to learn our earthly life lessons with. This feels so mystical to me. I can’t come up with a better explanation. Out of the woodwork, when so needed, shining a light that illuminated the starting gate. They appeared. Showing me that I will never walk alone. Our group is expanding. I am part of a community—the Good Grief Gals, how does this sound Ladies?

How would you begin a conversation about Grief? 

Nikki—Everyone is a different being in every way, shape and form. Some people are comfortable talking about Grief and their lost loved one, I am one of them. I believe in talking about them and still believing in them, I want to keep his legacy alive. I also understand that some people like to grieve on their own time and in their own way. As far as starting a conversation about it, this is my first time engaging in a conversation about Grief. I would be more than willing to share my experience and the steps I have taken to try and heal.

Diane—I would begin a conversation by asking a question— “Hey, will you talk with me about Grief?”

What would you want the non-bereaved to know about your grief? How would you help someone understand what grief looks like from your experience?

Nikki— Understanding Grief for the non-bereaved seems close to impossible for me. It is like trying to explain to someone that does not have children what it is like to raise them. You can never truly understand the depths and the sacrifices of it until you are in the position. But what you can do is assure people that life does go on. You will always mark your life as before and after this tragedy. You have the same DNA but are an entirely different person on the inside. Your passion will stay true (at least it has for me) but perspective changes over all.

Diane—I would want the non-bereaved to know that grief is a natural part of life. Grief from death is the last part. When you see it in someone, please look beyond the tears and the sadness and what may seem like immobility in life, in moving forward and recognize that you are witnessing a great love—a love that has lost its direction, its safety, its comfort, half of its heart and shared memories. Watch closely and you will see a shattered and broken heart that is mending, on its own timetable, in its own way. You will feel sympathy and may experience empathy if you’ve had your own battle with grief. Continue to watch and you will see compassion bloom in the bereaved as grief softens and healing takes hold. Compassion is a beautiful thing to behold. It opens the heart. It results in action that makes our world a kinder place. Lend an ear, grab hold of a hand. Stay with the uncomfortable-ness that you both may be feeling. You will feel a soul-connectedness and your life will be changed forever.  You are helping to heal the life of another—a true gift of yourself, wanting nothing in return yet gaining immeasurable rewards.

So ends our first conversation about Grief. You’ve become a very big part of how we grieve the death of our beautiful Matthew. We’ve shared our stories which have helped us immensely in our grieving process. We are getting closer to the FIRST anniversary of his death—his going home. We are still navigating unchartered waters, unsure where this grief journey will take us. We appreciate and give thanks to each and every one of you—our family, friends and readers. We want to help break through the uncomfortable-ness on both sides of grief—for the bereaved and the non-bereaved. We want to be better able to support those who will be heading into grief and we hope you will join us. We need your words. We are giving you ours. Blessings to you all on this special day.

Diane & Nikki

Loving Matthew Forever & Always—MLA13*

*Matthew Laurent Allard 13 is his favorite number

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