A SOUL STORY—CONNECTING THE DOTS

MATTHEW LAURENT ALLARD #13

“You can’t connect the dots by looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something . . . because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads you off the well worn path . . . “

From Steve Jobs commencement address at Stanford 2005

I love looking at these letters and numbers. Simple, easy to see where the dots lay and when connected give life to Matty’s initials (Matthew Laurent Allard) and the #13, our validation number from Matt. Add the sparkles and Matty’s initials go through a rebirth of sorts. Something bright and shiny creating an air of excitement, catching my attention—letting me know that simple is grand when I turn my awareness switch on. This is what I experienced at the BPUSA conference earlier this month. The following drawing tells a true soul story, one that is continuing to be revealed to me.

ORIGINAL ART CHALK PASTELS 

Matty's message at BPUSA continues to sit so strongly with me. I ask . . . is this not a validation of soul planning, of a life contract predetermined prior to birth and of a message that continues to show the beauty and gifts from grief?

At 10 or 11years old, Matty was guided to place the word “Coo” prominently in the middle of his art to be recognized 25+ years later after his transition . . . an event taking place the first Father’s Day after his passing. It all began with the mid-week sighting of a mourning dove by my husband and I. Matty as a young boy had a deep connection to mourning doves. They were his natural alarm, gently waking him mornings for many months and years of his life.  I knew that I wanted to publish a special tribute to Matt in the Voice of Grief blog for this Father’s Day, one that was not to be physically spent with his family. I wanted to show the differing sides of Matty as he grew, something Addy and Bear may appreciate as they grew older. Bruce and I watched the single dove standing in our driveway and I asked him, “do you think that could be Matt’s energy sending us a sign?”  The question was followed by a poem, words that came not from my own thoughts but inspired words that simply flowed. Inspired words that I was getting use to receiving, on this day themed around the mourning dove. 

FOREVER THINGS

The Sun, the Moon,

The Rain, the Breeze.

The Stars, the Sky

Our Magick Tree.

You see them.

You hear them.

You feel them.

They are real.

A Daddy’s Love,

His kisses,

His hugs,

His wishes for you are real.

Things are different now,

Between you and me.

. . . Just for a little while.

You can’t see me

Or hear me.

Or feel me,

From the Outside.

But . . . 

If you open your heart,

Be very quiet and still,

And close your eyes,

You’ll feel me.

You’ll hear me.

You’ll see me.

I’m on the Inside now.

When you see a Mourning Dove,

Listen for its’ Coo.

I’ve come home to build a nest

And live right next to you.

That flutter you feel in your heart

Is me Hugging you.

When you feel a tickle in your ear.

I’m Whispering sweet things to you.

I’m a thought,

A nudge,

I’m in your Dreams.

My Love is all around you.

I’ll protect you,

I’ll guide you

Call out my name.

Whenever you need.

I’m by your side always,

I’m your Daddy.

I Love you.

I’m your Forever Thing.

Inspired by Matty in Spirit

Pictures of young Matty, a poem Addy’s daycare teacher had given to her written for her Daddy, adult Matty holding his niece for the first time . . . love captured in a collage.  I remembered that my brother had really liked Matty's drawing and he had gifted it to him. I knew that he had held onto it all these years and it would make a nice addition to our Matty tribute. I hadn’t seen the art in all this time and do not remember the word “coo” from its first creation. I asked Ray to send a digital copy and I posted it early Father’s Day morning. It wasn’t until 6:00 pm that I noticed the word “coo” in the middle of the drawing. I had been intrigued by Matty’s use of color and the outlines in black he incorporated that made everything pop, and that was where my focus lay that day. When I paused and took in the entire piece of artwork, I saw the “coo” for the first time. I asked if anyone else had seen this message hidden to me and many were surprised as it was the first thing they associated with Matty’s poem.

This story continues to be one of my favorites and I brought it with me to BPUSA to share as an example of one of Matty’s signs and inspired words.

What happened next, took my breath away. The teddy bear, not ready to be noticed, sitting in the middle "O"  of the word coo since I had posted in 2015 (or 25+ years prior for that matter) was made visible and brought to everyone's attention at  my workshop presentation by another—Dorcas Williams. She is a heart-connected Mom that I met for the very first time at the conference while attending my presentation. Dorcas’ soul shines brightly and she is a treasure to anyone lucky enough to cross paths with her. She was looking at Matty’s art projected onto a 10’ screen and asked about the teddy bear in the center of the “O”?  The room paused to take a look at what was taking up residence in the “O”. I was stunned! Dorcas led me to a new discovery and was giving me the opportunity to tell the rest of this soul story. Up to this point, I had not made mention of Matty’s children by name; Addalynn is his daughter and Bear is his son.  Matty was quiet about his spiritual experiences. After much questioning and pushback on legally naming his son Bear, he told me he had had a vision and was guided to name his son Bear. The gasps and wow’s were audible. What had we all been privy to?

We were witnesses to the layers of events that transpired to show us the truth in Matty's life contract; his soul speaking to him, recognized or not at 10 years old, unveiling a validation of a major future event in his life. His free will exercised prior to his birth in this earthly life, nudged and reminded of subconsciously or not by his soul as his pastels turned a piece of paper into a validation made clear by his Spirit in my today. His artwork seen in 2015 came to me as a sign, it is what my heart was ready and waiting for then. In 2018, my soul was ready for more and Matty affirmed through another, not just for me but for a room filled with attendees waiting to hear about “What is Grief Teaching Me?”  Grief is teaching me and in this instance an entire room, that insight can be delivered when least expected. Signs and synchronicities can and do involve a number of people. Messages can be meant for more than one. He was presenting a lesson in soul awakening, teaching us to see with our hearts connected to our souls, connected to Spirit. Proof of our soul contracts . . . a modern day unfurling. Hindsight—connecting the dots, looking backwards to see the beautiful outline of the big picture the look was bringing forth. An example of patience, how an open mind and heart and TRUSTING spirit that insight is presented not on our time, but at a time for the highest good. We experienced the beauty in what grief has to offer. A gift received that gives meaning and understanding to the hard, hard emotional pain and suffering that comes with physical death, yet births spiritual growth and healing as part of the process. It added a divine seal to our purpose, Matty and I. It carries me from survive to thrive and lights up the tools of belief, awareness and experience. It has laid to rest the questions of whofor, whatfor, wherefor, whyfor, whenfor that swirled in my human heart.

My observation, my noticing does not deliver me to definitive conclusions to the questions of the ages asked and debated regarding the workings of consciousness, the soul or essence and what transpires after death. These questions, posed for centuries by the great philosophers, theosophists, scientists and physicists continue to offer more than enough fodder for debate. I have a soul and I am having soul experiences. I cannot simply look at my world through a single lens, a human lens and gain insight. I can ask my soul the important questions and have been blessed with a glimpse into a soul remembrance yet I do not have expectations that by simply asking, all will be revealed. There is beauty in the mystery and gifts bestowed that soften some of life’s tragedies. There are no words in the human vocabulary, nor human experiences, nor human intelligence alone that can answer man’s existential questions.  Spirit holds the key to the door, that when unlocked, will transcend human understanding; defining through a sense of everlasting knowing that which Spirit only is meant to experience. I am re-living, re-seeing, experiencing anew events on my own grief journey seen through my human lens over the last few years. I am now being given the opportunity to reexamine my grief journey with a view gained while peering through my spiritual lens as Matty in spirit guides me to new insights. The process, the journey, the transformation continues. For now, I will soak in the feelings of awe, wonder, Love and comfort that Spirit allows me to walk with; grateful for the deepening understanding and sharing of our soul stories. We heal as we share, of this I am sure.

I trust Matty’s Spirit, my soul, my intuition, the divine mysteries held in life, death, and the in-between. Steve Jobs' quote hold sage words defining “hindsight” for me as I traverse this zig-zaggedy path in reconnecting with Matty in Spirit. I have asked some BIG questions and have received some BIG answers albeit not delivered in English to my right ear! This is the biggest puzzle I have ever attempted to piece together. I discover that the pieces have not all come in one box; rather, are doled out when needed, when the timing is right. Some pieces aren’t even in the box and may be delivered by someone nudged to give me the next piece, not even knowing they were holding a very important part of this puzzle. The puzzle may not be solely meant for me but may be intended for viewing, for reflection and acceptance by others as well. It’s not important that I am in possession of every piece of the puzzle. The outline reveals a good, great glimpse of the big picture.

Hindsight allows me to connect the dots and my new memories with Matty, through his signs and synchronicities, now have a “remember when” ring to them.  “Remember Mom when I said this . . . or showed you that?” This is our new language—our new form of communication my, son and I—on-going communications that I am brought back to for deeper meaning as my heart is open and my soul is ready. He’s showing me how to look at things differently yet feel the strong connection that was and still is. Remembering his words, his motivation in Spirit to me, a universal message from Spirit to you from your beloved—blessing us all if we allow:

“As your broken heart heals, as you are in your long goodbye to the me that was . . . You create space for the me that still and always is right next to you, sitting in your heart . . . Keep going. I’m here. I will lead you to find your soul, your higher self. This is the you who is with me now. Then you can know we are together still . . . even between the signs. "

From Matty in Spirit to Rachel Pearson Spring 2018
With much Love,

Diane 

JOIN US ON FACEBOOK CLICK THE LINK:  VOICE OF GRIEF