THE WAY IN GRIEF

Was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed Sunday morning and happened on this question: “Who nurtured you and gave you the foundation for hope and healing in the very beginning? It originated from a Healing Through Hope* post, a grief on-line meeting support group. A safe place for healing. The facilitators were asking a food-for-thought question in preparation for their next meeting.

“Who nurtured you and gave you the foundation for hope and healing in the very beginning?”

A great question and an opportunity for a look back and a check in. I was brought back to the first days of Matty’s passing. Pain, red-stabbing, hot, heartbreaking pain is the first thing that enters my mind and the anger, I had forgotten about the anger. Yet, after four years of walking with Grief and through the wisdom of hindsight, I can stop and look back now and acknowledge that yes, it has been the most painful, angry day of my life and then move beyond the first round emotions to really swirl this question around in my heart.

My Who is really a What, a collection of Whos extending their most precious gift—their love. There was much human love expressed for Matty and our family, and so much kindness and compassion.

A Good Samaritan at the scene, Michael Bernier a war veteran, reached out to our family via a comment of pure compassion woven amongst the civil and the uncivil, posted on WMUR’s FB page, our local media who’d reported the accident prior to notification of family by posting a very identifiable photo of Matty’s mangled truck under the banner of “Breaking News Alert”. The state troopers had not yet delivered the news of the fatality. Pure chaos ensued as family was frantically looking for the wreckage from tell-tale signs from the scene, any news on Matty’s condition, which hospital he may have been brought to.

Michael’s post: To the family; My sincere condolences, I was at the scene of the accident in the South bound lane shortly after it occurred I was directing traffic so the emergency personnel could gain quick access to him. 
Please know that Matthew was not alone, he was surrounded by extremely caring people who did their collective best to look after him. One woman took her coat off to cover him from the cold. Fire rescue and police were there in minutes and did everything they could for him on the scene and got Matthew into the ambulance as efficiently as possible. My thoughts and prayers are with Matthew and your family. I am very sorry for your loss.

My brother reached out to Michael with words of great appreciation, and with permission, I am reprinting a portion of our interactions: Michael’s response; 

You are all so very welcome, I just wanted your family to know that your loved one was truly cared for in his greatest time of need. There was true human compassion and the best attempts to provide comfort to Matthew. 
If it were me in his place I would want my family and children to know this. 
I am a veteran and unfortunately this type of thing is not foreign to me. But for many of the people with Matthew at the scene it was an overwhelming experience. Despite the shock of the whole situation we all worked as cohesive as possible to try and help and comfort him. 
Despite the tragedy that was unfolding in front of us all involved it was very refreshing (for me) to see that there are brave compassionate caring people in our community. 
It is my absolute privilege to provide your family with any level of comfort, in this great time of mourning. 
Matthew will remain with me personally in my thoughts for the rest of my life along with the rest of my fallen brothers and sisters that I have lost. 
Thank you for your replies, they are equally as meaningful to me. 
Thank you.  

All of Michael’s words held me up and these especially "Matthew will remain with me personally in my thoughts for the rest of my life along with the rest of my fallen brothers and sisters that I have lost".  That is really what matters most to me. That my beautiful boy is remembered. That he lived, he mattered and someone else is keeping him safe in their heart. That his name, whether spoken aloud or silently remembered, lives on. A good man and I will be forever grateful for the kindness, the caring and the compassion he gave to my son and extended to our family. A man I've never met yet will forever admire.

Love embraced Matty again when a very close friend of his was the professional First Responder on the scene of the accident. The friend will remain unnamed due to the HIPAA Privacy Rule inforce for our Emergency Personnel. The shock this friend must have absorbed when he saw it was his dear friend that he needed to attend to. What strength and courage it must have taken to be both friend and medical tech in that same moment. He rode with him in the ambulance, stayed with him in the Emergency Room, held his hand til Matty took his last breath. In love for Matty and compassion for me, this beautiful friend shared his story with me at Matty’s Celebration of Life service. For days my heart had been beating in crushing despair with the thought that Matty died with no family or friends with him. I wondered if he suffered, what his final moments on this earth were like, what were his final thoughts, was he alone with emergency personnel? Upon hearing the story, gratefulness and peace for this part of my grief filled my heart, blanketing the sorrow that lay underneath the looming question; the question begging for an answer—answered. Love for Matty, extended to his Mom.

Love for Matty snaked around a corner in a line that extended several neighborhood blocks as family, friends, co-workers and business associates waited hours in line to pay their final respects in sub-zero weather that matched the chill that we all felt when hearing the news that January day. Matty, killed in a single-car accident.

Love filled the waiting rooms, the viewing room; love was found in abundance in hugs and tears as we tried to wrap our arms around the unimaginable.

It was love that gave my husband and I, mourning and grieving very differently, the space we needed tethered by the connection that supports. It was the love of a sister that called daily from her home, a four hour drive away, and made sure we had our morning mug of tea and tears together. It was the love of a son, daughters in law and four little grandbabies that created a force field that held us together. It was the love of family, friends and reconnected old friends that contained the blaze of fire I held in my heart and ensured that I did not self-combust. Love tended the fire and worked on suppression knowing that the embers would glow for a very long time.

It was in a moment of feeling the bounty of love that surrounded, circulated and permeated my heart by so many that made me think silently and so illogically, “maybe this is not going to be as hard as I thought”, unaware in these early days of the effects shock imprints on the body. I was so very, very wrong! When the shock of it all wore off, excruciating heart pain returned. Love felt frozen in my heart; my feelings, numbed and cold, stilled and incapable of my giving. I sat with this new loss from a frozen heart and in silence, sorrow, reflection and prayer—this too passed. With thoughts of gratitude and remembrances, I re-discovered the warm spot that held Matty while the love of others held me and wrapped in love, my heart thawed.

It was my heart’s foundation to live a life lovingly with much laughter, kindness, and compassion while upholding the innate moral code of the Golden Rule.  A foundation of the heart, inherent in both my Mom and Dad and instilled in myself and my siblings was lauded as a good path to joy and happiness. It is a strong foundation and in walking with Grief, I feel as though my heart’s foundation remains solid. Nothing depleted or removed from, rather it has been added to and put through a test of its strength. My way in Grief is seeking integration with this foundation. This was Matty’s intrinsic foundation and he lived it well. It was love that made me ask the question “where are you Matty?”. It was love that fueled my need, my desire to find his spirit—to renew a relationship that was made of the heavens.

Matty left us with a legacy of love. Matty’s spirit brought me to the in-flow of Divine Love—everlasting Love, expansive Love, a never-constricting Love, a multi-dimensional Love; a Love bigger than human love, a soul to spirit, spirit to Spirit Love. Divine Love is the greatness of heart. Pierced by the magic arrow of soul, the heart changes, transforms my spiritual world allowing miracles to happen in my physical world. It is an example of working from the inside out and creates a stream of Love where the unseen becomes visible; where once hidden becomes known, discerning the connectivity to all living, human, plant, animal with soul. It is the light that shines the way to Oneness to Wholeness. A Love continually expanding with the ever-expanding Universe. Its container is infinite and eternal.

What power L(l)ove has! Four words when repeated, create a mantra to help quiet the chaotic babbling in my mind. A garden of hope planted by the knowing that I am the holder—the giver and receiver of an impenetrable force. Not death, not darkness, not sorrow, not fear can extinguish the intensity of Light that is L(l)ove, both the human and the Divine.

Tears and sadness enveloped in hope do not disturb the joy, happiness and laughter of my heart’s foundation. Healing has illuminated that Love and Grief, the ache and the joy, the tears and the laughter, the goodbyes and hellos among many others are individual sides of the same coin. I face the reality of this paradox regularly in Grief. My heart simply makes room for all emotions and they bubble forth a great amount of empathy and compassion and show me that I am living with a deeper Love guided by Grief handed over to the Divine. Grief—not bad, not good, made up of light and dark, sometimes quiet, sometimes loud and a part of me now. A chapter of my story that is transforming and healing me.

How do I see the way in Grief? Is this the same question I’ve asked in a different manner as I collect the pieces of Grief while seeking the how-to of integration? I’ve learned that there is no way out, no way through. Grief is permanent as my L(l)ove is permanent, a to the moon and back through infinity type of L(l)ove. There is no total absence of joy and laughter nor total sadness, weariness and heaviness. Grief transforms with forward movement. Grief has another side that I met along my way. It is insights and learnings. It is finding balance and ushering peace and calm and comfort into the arms of uncomfortable-ness. It’s a shedding, a letting go, a release that delivers a change-ness, a now-ness. It’s a complete turn-around, a total 360º.  It’s a within-ness that shuts the light on—wisdom garnered from my 4 year-old grandson, Bear. Learning language is a process. How many words does a 4 year-old hold? I don’t have an answer to that, however I do know that the Littles concentrate on intention when a desire, a want or a need, wishes to be met. Bear was born with greatness of heart and his soul has “shut his light on”. He bypasses the chaos and confusion of not always having the correct word at hand, yet his heart holds the intention and in our heart connection I understand what he needs help with.

It’s seeing and understanding, gaining clarity within the chaos and the uncertainty. It’s taking a risk. It’s operating from the inside out with faith in W(w)hatever / W(w)homever. Faith upended by belief through way of experience (the game-changer), to a knowing. It’s communication not necessarily with words and most definitely with feeling and interpretation. It’s shining a light on yourself. In spirit-speak, shining a light on you-R-Self. It is trust. It is truth. It is wisdom. It is my way in Grief.

*NOTE: To learn more about Healing through Hope, please visit their Facebook page by clicking on the link above. This group is a valuable resource for inspiring growth and healing on your journey through child loss and grief from many other forms of loss.

From their page:

Healing Through Hope

- learning to live with the loss of our child/children.

- An environment to feel safe to share.

- A way for all to find Hope.

- A way to use that Hope toward Healing.

- Inspiration and empowerment to move forward and grow.

Our mission is to find hope and move toward healing. Within a circle meeting environment, we explore supportive tools that help guide us on our personal and individual healing journeys.

JOIN US ON FACEBOOK CLICK THE LINK:  VOICE OF GRIEF